Bush Delivers Thanksgiving Meal, Leads Push into Tikrit
Some Say "Publicity Stunt" but We Know Better

The president traveled on Air Force One to Baghdad International Airport Thursday evening to deliver a
Thanksgiving meal to hundreds of cheering troops.

But the gesture didn't stop there.  After dining on some white meat, yams and stuffing, Mr. Bush stood
up and announced to the buzzing hangar crowd that he'd be leading a wave of infantrymen into the
heart of Tikrit.

"Just wanna get in a kill or two myself... before heading back home, you know!" he exclaimed, "just
somethin' to remind me of my good ol' Texas Air National Guard days!"

Twenty minutes later Mr. Bush and fifty-three of his bravest men led the deepest push into Tikrit, to
date.

"I showed them chickenshits," a proud president later boasted.  "After realizin' none of 'em wanted to
conversationalizationize, I stood right in the center of town and yelled, 'y'all ain't shit!  Brang more of 'em
on!'" Unfortunately it seems not many Tikritis heard the warning.  

Four G.I.'s were killed the following day.

Homicide Bomber Kills Only Self
President Struggles For a Term to Describe the Man














(4 Nov 2003) President Bush is still struggling with how to describe a man whose homicide bombing
attempt failed to kill anyone but himself. A collection of experts and the President are actively working
together to resolve this problem. The latest word is that Mr. Bush favors "self-homicide" and
"self-inflicted-killifying" over "auto-homicide" - as suggested by Karl Rove - because, "he says the car
was never alive," an anonymous White House source told FOX.

FOX has also learned that the President is in high spirits, frequently adding a dose of his
light-hearted humor to the otherwise heavy discussions. His principle concern, said the source, is
that, "someone really oughtta come up with a word for this type of thing."

The confusion began when, on Tuesday, a Palestinian man armed with a car bomb failed to
accomplish his goal of killing several Israeli soldiers at a check point in the Golan Heights. The
would-be homicide bomber's plan was to remain inside the explosive-rigged automobile and
detonate the vehicle just as he drove past the Israeli military men. However, as luck would have it,
he had improperly set up the detonation timer, and as a result only the driver himself was killed.

According to reports the Palestinian man had been planning the bombing for several days, but had
not fully learned how to calibrate the timer. "Thank God for incompetentness," said President Bush,
"now, let's just figure out a way to label this evil man and get on with our lives."

President Addresses Tough Crowds
No Liberal, Mr. Bush Frequently Faces His Fiercest Opponents


The President faces a lot of tough challenges these days, not the least of which are the crowds of
hostile liberals and intellectual elites he so bravely confronts every day.

In fact, just this week he traveled to Florida to speak to a crowd of onlookers that, at best can be
described as "neutral."  I'm convinced the more accurate term here is "commie," but I'm gonna play
Devil's Advocate here, mkay?  'Zat ahright with you?

It takes a pretty great man to face the music the way Mr. Bush does, ahright? mkay?  I mean, I can't
recall, in fact,  I CAN'T RECALL  the last time we had a leader so well-adjusted in front of the camera,
or so well-adapted to handle the tough, unexpected questions from the Hollywood left.

Oh wait... yes I can!  And it wasn't Mr. Clinton either, mkay, Ms. Sarandon?  All right with you, Tim
Robbins?  Got it, Woodrow Allen?  That's right -- it was George Bush, Sr., or as the drugged-out
crazies on Venice Beach might say, "Daddy Bush."

The truth is Republicans are just better at everything they do.  'Cept spin.   Mmkay?  This is why we, I
mean... now, I'm not a Republican.  Don't get me wrong,  oh-right?  I've never been a Republican,
because, I mean, come on!  I'm too independent for that, awright?

Now, LOOK: where was I?  Oh, yeah - the Republicans, and confrontation.  What I'm trying to say,
mkay?  WHAT  I'M  TRYING  TO  SAY  is that the Republicans, mkay?  the Republicans are extremely
adept at off-the-cuff press conferences and hostile audiences.  'Ats 'cause we're... I mean they're so
brilliant.

And that's not some liberal, progressive spin, mkay?  It's a fact.  I know it, billions of Americans know it,
and Hollywood knows it.  These opinions are not spin - they're facts.  Get used to it, mkay?

My Position on Medicare
Solid as a Rock


Now that the President is poised to pass a major Medicare bill, I would like to take this opportunity to
applaud him, on behalf of all conservatives.  This bold act not only reflects the sentiment of so many of
us grass-root Americans, but it reiterates for any outside observer just how profound Republican
integrity is.

As I said on December 6, 1996, in my essay SHOULD WE SUPPORT THE BALANCED BUDGET
AMENDMENT?  SYNDICATED COLUMNIST TONY SNOW: 'NO'  -
"Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are bankrupting the country. We could go broke because of a
balanced budget."

No, wait.  That must be a typo.

What I really wanted to reflect upon is my comments from December 28, 1998, in my column Clinton,
Democrats Perfect Politics of Hate -
"Conservatives have warned against undue concentrations of government power, cautioning that even the
most benign ruler will become a despot if given the opportunity.  Medicare and Medicaid are making
workers pay the high price of false promises..."

NO!  Wait.  That's another, um, typo.  [ahem]

This is the quote I wanted to highlight, from my stellar November 9, 1999 article, Clinton Keeps Up
Sad Push for Leftist Ideas -
"Only a few hopeless saps actually believe that the government can "ensure" health by mandating
health-care coverage. Most understand that any "universal" government program ensures universal
incompetence and inconvenience."

NO!  No! No! No!  Wait... give me one more chance, will you?

Okay okay ...eh, let's take a peek at my August 31, 2000, article, titled An Opponent's Hypocrisy -
"Here's a partial listing of initiatives for which Gore has high hopes but no details: "Health care: --
strengthening Medicare "through competition" -- strengthening Medicare "through cost savings"  Huh? "

[ahem]

Oh well.  You know how the internet has a way of distorting things over time... don't you?  Of course.  
It doesn't matter, anyway... You get my point, right?

Good.

Embryo Farmers Welcome New Legislation
Bush's Anti-Partial Baby Murder Legislation Praised by Many


Seen as the moral high ground by many, as a financial boon by others.

The act George Bush signed into law today - banning the procedure known as Partial Baby Murder -
will assure his place in heaven, and a welcome mat should he ever show up at Festus Haddock's
home, in Chipley, Florida.

"He's a real good man," said Haddock, "for what he done to all them partial babies and now we's can git a
lot more bidness with this here farm o' ourn."

Mr. Haddock is one of thousands of America's Embryo Farmers whose livelihood had been steadily
declining since the passage of Roe vs. Wade, in 1973.  However, now that murdering  embryos is
illegal, Haddock and his embryo farming brethren should see a windfall in business.

"Useta be, we'd git about three, mebbe four orders in a month," said Haddock, "'cause, you know,
nawbody ever birthed them li'l semi-babies, all bleedin on their berber carpets and such.  But now cain't
nobody kill 'em no more.  So we git 'em, and the state pays us ta feed 'em!"

To caretakers of the nation's unwanted children, more embryos means more hefty bonuses in the form
of grants.  Embryo farmers are granted monies from the Federal Government in direct proportion to the
number of embryos they house.  Typically, after eighteen years the embryos are set free, usually
finding their way back into Federal Institutions within five years.

"Don't matter ta mee," remarked Haddock, "mostly 'cause we cain't love an unloved child.  Long as we
feed 'em and don't kill 'em er nuthin' the dough just keeps a-rollin'-on in."