Faux News Channel: The Most Powerful Smell in News!

General Clark Should Be Thoroughly Ashamed
There's a Difference Between Being a "Deserter" and "deserter"

One of the darkest moments in recent history occurred in Thursday night's Democratic debate in New Hampshire.
Wesley Clark refused to try to read the mind of Michael Moore, known liberal fringe lunatic and author of Dude,
Where's My Country?

In front of a large group of Clark supporters Michael Moore had called the president, and I quote, "a Deserter." He
didn't say "deserter." He said, "Deserter." I know what he said; I read the Closed Captioning stream.

There is a marked difference between the little 'd' word "deserter" and the BIG 'D' word "Deserter." One means
you deserted someone or something. The other means the Department of Defense has brought official charges
against you, pursuant to the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Mr. Bush is not a capital "D" Deserter.

Same thing goes for democrat. Bush is not a Democrat, but because he's such a champion of democracy he could be
said to be a little 'd' democrat.

There is a difference.

George Bush is not a capital 'D' Deserter. He was never prosecuted by a military courts martial. Oh, sure, he
abandoned his obligations for 16 months. But that does not make him a captial 'D' Deserter.

So what if two of the current front-runners for the Democratic presidential candidate this year served honorably in
Vietnam while George Bush drank cocktails, snorted coke, and banged underage girls in Montgomery, Alabama?
So what if his influential, CIA operative daddy got him unfairly bumped 500 notches up a priority list into a choice,
non-hazardous Air National Guard position?
So what if Bush's poor attendance prompted reprimands from his own commander?

Haven't these ne'er-do-well liberals seen the footage of George Bush on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln? That was a
flight suit he was wearing. Have they not seen that awesome image?

In the realm of importance Bush's minor youthful indiscretions matter much less than the stunning imagery of a rich,
white, Protestant Texan whose absence of mind kept a g-suit unnecessarily connected despite the pain it causes
anyone who dares stand in it for more than a minute or two. (After all, there nothing better than a device that pushes
your testicles forwards and upwards to make you seem more manly than you actually are.)

The important thing is Bush has never been charged with a UCMJ violation. Ever. And I can personally assure you
the CIA had nothing to do with that.

George Bush is not a capital "D" Deserter. And that's what Michael Moore meant.
I know - I read it myself from the CC stream.

General Clark should be ashamed of himself.

Bush Successfully Recites State of the Union Speech, Some of
Which He Actually Understood
My Favorite Moments from the State of the Union

This past Tuesday night President Bush brilliantly recited what he and Karl Rove had been working on for weeks -
the State of the Union speech.

In an ingenious move, senior White House officials had told Bush the cameras weren't rolling yet. "That kept him
from getting too nervous," confided an impressed Rove, continuing, "it was only the fortieth time he'd 'practiced' the
thing, and I think he understood a lot more of it tonight."

Despite the head-shaking and hand-sitting performance by the lefties in the room, the gist of the speech was
crystal clear. Enumerating some solidly conservative ideas, the president vowed his commitment to:

Completely eliminating evil and all anti-American sentiment from the world.
By far this is my favorite concept of the Bush vision. Unfortunately, it seems some folks can't grasp it. I suppose it
is a concept the unrealistic, overly idealistic liberals can't get their minds around, but its framework is simple enough,
to wit: (a) find people whose hatred of you is rooted in desperation caused by Western abuse, neglect, and
exploitation, and (b) utterly destroy their cities, their culture, and their people. This is a sure-fire way to eliminate
terrorism, permanently. (Why can't liberals comprehend this? As Shemp Hannity often says, it's just ridiculous that
liberals don't understand this paradigm).

Shifting Federal revenue sources away income-based taxes and onto social security-based taxes.
Proving once and for all he's a compassionate conservative - after all, God knows poor people pay tons of income
taxes already.

Cutting the deficit by reducing taxes, again.
Reagan did it. So can we. It's about time a real conservative brought the spotlight back onto the issue of balancing
the budget. Liberals cringe at the very idea.

Strengthening Medicare by adding more benefits to it.
Again, a sensitive subject for liberals. Conservatives have always said we should fine-tune bolster this federally
funded socialist program.

Re-emphasizing America's love for freedom and liberty.
Specifically, by revalidating the Patriot Act, limiting malpractice suits, and putting constitutional restrictions on
marriage. Completely in line with the classic conservative stance on State's rights, that last part is my favorite.
(Insider's note - Bushies are hard-working on legislative drafts that will eventually repeal the Sixth, Eighth, and
Fourteenth Amendments. Good for them!)

...and my favorite...

Reminding the world we're above International Law.
I thought the most soul-searching, mature moment in the speech was also the best moment. Specifically, when Mr.
Bush said, "America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country."

Zing! How's that for a verbal wedgie, Kofi??!"

Newt Priggish is a self-made multi-millionaire whose rote-memorization skills far outweigh the remainder
of his collective mental faculties. Newt's mysterious ability to convert everyday coal into diamonds is still a
well-guarded family secret. After using his political office to punish immoral bastards like Bill Clinton and
Jimmy Carter, Newt decided to move on to TV, where each day one can marvel at his ability to pass off
passively aggressive 'Divide and Conquer' caveats as concern. Newt is currently working hard on the third
affair of his fifth marriage.

Northeastern Liberals Should Just Shut Up and Nod
The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day? Vehicle-Assisted Murderers Who Won't Just
Shut Up and Nod

I'm ridiculing somethin' in my mind, ah-kay? and because I'm bein' completely objective right now, mright? that
makes it The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day.

Now, I've been really busy for the past four months days out-selling Al Franken's garbage with my latest piece of
art, Who's Looking Down His Over-Picked Nose at You? so I might be a little rusty here... knowhwatI'msayin'?

Ahright, so here's the deal about the president's State of the Union speech, mkay?

I've watched this thing five times already and I gotta say - I can't find a crack in it, mmkay? Not a crack. I mean,
I'm a pretty independent-minded guy and everything, ahright? but Mr. Bush's speech was perfect. Umkay? And this
is comin' from me - the least Republican guy you'll ever meet.

Now LOOK: some of the noodle-brained pinheads in the Senate sat right there in that room - what is it, Congress?
The Oval Office? Whatever. The Kennedy Center? You know what I'm sayin' - sat right there, shakin' their heads, refusin'
to obey the "Applause" sign, and everything else, mkay? Just bein' what I like to call general jackasses, ahright?

The whole thing's just ridiculous, knowwhatI'msayin'? Absolutely ridiculous, mkay? to sit there, shaking your head
like you're a mad cow or something, and pretend the president isn't delivering the greatest speech of his long
political career.

Now I've got a word of advice for the Northeast liberals who ruined a great night - you're wrong, mkay? Get used to
it. You've acted like babies for the last time, and we're not gonna take it, mkay? Simply not gonna take it anymore.

Especially from someone who thinks takin' a gal out means pushin' her off a bridge on
Chappaquiddick Island, mright?

Survival of the Fittest
Examining the Remaining Candidates

Now, as a Fair, Balanced, and Unafraid columnist I'm more than capable of being objective
when it comes to examining the four candidates that most threaten the current administration.

Those are, of course, John Kerry, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, and Howard Dean.

Hee hee, by the way, did you see that episode Dean the night he lost in Iowa? Sheer hilarity,
watching such an obvious lunatic lose it on stage.

Anyway, back to the objectivity thing...

Oh ho ho ho. I just can't resist. Have you heard that song Aphex Twin put together? The one
where they make fun of Howard Dean? Ha ha ha! That's one classic parody, let me tell you!

Okay, now back to the Democratic candidates. John Kerry, for lack of a better term, is...

Ha ha! I couldn't hold back! Had to think about it once more! What a clown! Did you see that
guy, Howard Dean!? What a sheer nutjob!

Now, okay... [ahem] back to the Fair and Balanced analysis.

John Edwards, if able to hold it together until South Carolina, is a shoe-in for...

HAR HAR HAR!!! Play that Dean thing one more time!

Oh, yeah. Nothing better than Fair and Balanced equalization during that song. Classic! It's a
real classic!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... how's that for 'presidential material'??? Haa-hee hee hee!!!

Billow LIE 'ly grew up a poor black child in southeastern Detroit, Michigan, where he frequently found
himself ducking drive-by shootings and various other assassination attempts. Beating all the odds, Billow
graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age of eight, and entered the Marine
Corps in 1969 at thirteen. LIE'ly fought for sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, where he
heroically won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Medals of Honor. After an injury prompted
surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer eligible for combat, so Billow reluctantly left the service to
pursue a career in journalism, where he has since won three Peabody Awards, a Pulitzer Prize. Bill O Reilly,
who never ever ever wears makeup (despite what that lily-livered Hollywood elitist George Clooney says) is
currently being considered for his second Nobel.

FLASH!
Ann Coulter Nearly Climaxes
Three Viagra tablets, Old Nixon Tapes, and a Reagan Mask - Halfway There?

Ann Coulter's significant other nearly brought him to climax this evening.

"If only I'd gotten the better mask!" exclaimed Kelly, Mr. Coulter's lover. "I could feel Ann
getting there, but something stopped him short, and I can only blame the mask."

It would have been the first time Mr. Coulter has ever climaxed.

Sources report that Mr. Coulter likes to stop short of climaxing, lest he lose his "edge."

"Ann's really sensitive about not being too sensitive. Something about his childhood,"
say our sources.

More on this breaking development as it comes. Or... doesn't.

Prior to joining FOX, David ASSman served as bathroom attendant at the prestigious Wall Street Journal for
over a decade. By the time he'd parted ways with the Journal, ASSman had become a full-time employee,
a connoisseur of scatology, and in 1999 won both the "Daily Graffiti Cleaner" and "Corn Pickers Bazaar"
awards. Still considered one of the nation's best toiletry distributors in the New York City metropolitan
area, David still haunts his old stomping grounds, frequently sticking his nose "right back into the midst of
things," as he puts it.

Brit Gunray began his career in journalism as a newspaper in 1974, in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Since
that time Gunray has covered expensive table tops, penthouse window panes, and a number of
other important objects throughout his career. A dignified and gracious Changeling, Gunray served as
an ABC News conference room doorknob for 25 years. He was later promoted to a hill, and came to
work for FOX, where he is now a regular panel in the Green Room. Seeking all corners of creation,
Brit strives to crush the natives of the freedom-loving planet, Liberalis. No champion of
open-mindedness, Brit patrols the atmosphere of progress, smartly zapping anyone and everyone
who reaches it. His Daily Denunciation can be heard every day on WNUTS 450 AM Talk Radio.