Faux News Channel: The Most Powerful Smell in News!

State of the Union:
Karl Rove Prepares Another Batch of Lies Speech for the President
Meanwhile, That Really-Fast Talking Guy You Always Hear in Car Ads Has Been Hired to Read
a Lengthy Disclaimer Before and After Tuesday Night's Speech

Arming himself with a handful of key phrases - like 'the British government has learned,' 'foreign intelligence
agencies have seen evidence that,' 'Danish experts have suggested the remote possibility that preliminary tests
might show,' and 'there are people who think that' - the top presidential adviser is closing in on completion of this
week's State of the Union address.

Karl Rove knows a thing or two about prevarication - he's the man who put Mr. Bush in office in the first place.
Semantics are his bread and butter. But these days you can't get away with as much as you could before,
according to Rove. "It's going to be tough glossing over all the lies Mr. Bush is planning... well, that Dick and I are
planning to stick into this year's speech.

"People have tightened up their scrutiny of these things," said Mr. Rove, "it's like they're actually taking notes or
something." Indeed, though Rove is unsure how much he can get away with this year, he remains confident
whatever whoppers he plants in this year's speech will be quickly forgotten.

Says Rove, "I'm astonished how attentive today's journalists have become, though time is on my side." Rove
stressed that he is "tickled pink" no one from the liberally-biased mainstream media has been successful in pointing
out to the public that placing a lie after the words "the British have learned..." is no less a lie than the lie itself.

"I wake up every morning and pat myself on the back for that one," chimed Mr. Rove between doughnuts, flashing
a winked eye to punctuate the sentiment. "Basically we said, 'here's a fact, but someone else learned it before we
did,' and we got away with it!" chuckled Rove. "Don't you just love a frightened reporter base?!"

Bush to Liberal Wackos: "Pickering's In."
Hannity and Colmes Debate the Race Issue
(As transcribed from FOX's Closed Captioning stream)

HANNITY: "In a highly uncharacteristic move, President Bush has bypassed, well not bypassed, but rather, you
know, enhanced congressional procedure to uh, to install politically moderate ex-Klansman Charles Pickering, Sr.
into a federal appeals court bench, or ah, whaddya call it, you know, ah uh, into a seat? But here's the thing -
Pickering's been rejected twiced by the Senate because of some ridiculous tactics by Democratic oppositional forces.
That's just ridiculous and we're gonna debate it, right here, right now on HANNITY AND COLMES."

(THEME MUSIC)

HANNITY: "I'm Shemp Hannity."

COLMES: "And I'm Alan..."

HANNITY: "Now here's the thing, Alan. You liberals are crying because George Bush installed a judge, rightly so in
my opinion, installed a judge onto the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals. Isn't that just ridiculous?"

COLMES: "No, Shemp, what's ridiculous is that the president did this. It's a..."

HANNITY: "But what about the fact that it's just ridiculous? Isn't the fact that's it's just ridiculous just ridiculous?"

COLMES: "Again, Shemp, it's not ridiculous. If anything it's a hostile gesture, because (UNINTELLIGIBLE)"

HANNITY: "See, there you liberals go again. All you liberals always do everything wrong. Always with the
gestures and the feeelings and everything else. I asked you a simple question, Alan. It's just ridiculous and the
reason it's ridiculous is because it's just ridiculous, and frankly, extremely ludicrous too. I mean, can't you see that?"

COLMES: "Shemp, President Bush made this move just hours after what would have been the 75th birthday of Martin
Luther (UNINTELLIGIBLE)"

HANNITY: "That's what I mean about everyone who's a liberal. Anyone, everyone, anyone, all the time, always."

(CROSSTALK)

COLMES: "Shemp, there's still a great deal of progress to make and even a simple gesture would help in a nation
where institutionalized racism (UNINTELLIGIBLE)"

HANNITY: "Everyone. Always. All you guys. Everyone. Anyone. Any, every, all, none. Never. Always."

COLMES: "Shemp, you're stereotyping again..."

HANNITY: "There you guys go with the stereotyping. It's all the time with all of you guys. Every single one of you
liberals always, always talks about stereotyping, every single minute of every day. All the time."

(CROSSTALK)

COLMES: "Will you answer a question, then, Shemp?"

HANNITY: "Sure. Go ahead. I'll answer whatever question you got, Alan. That's what I'm here for. I mean, I'm all
ears... just waiting for you to ask away. Go ahead. Shoot."

COLMES: "Isn't it true that Judge Pickering criticized the 'One-person, One-vote' principle recognized by the Supreme
Court in...?"

HANNITY: "Colin Powell."

COLMES: "and was Pickering not a critic of the Voting Rights Act?"

HANNITY: "Condoleeza Rice."

COLMES: "Hasn't Judge Pickering been reversed fifteen times by the very same Court to which he is now being
appointed???"

HANNITY: "Colin Powell."

COLMES: "Shemp, it's a well-documented fact that Pickering supported 'open primary' legislation, which was ultimately
judged by the Justice Department as discriminatory against blacks. Do you deny that?"

HANNITY: "Colin Powell, Colin Powell, Colin Powell. Condoleeza Rice, and Colin Powell's chubby son, too."

COLMES: "See, Shemp? You're the one avoiding questions, not (UNINTELLIGIBLE)"

(THEME MUSIC)

HANNITY: "Well, in my opinion that sound looks to me like it's time to wrap up another great show. I'm SHEMP
HANNITY."

COLMES: "And I'm (UNINTELLIGIBLE)."

HANNITY: "Good night, everyone, and God bless America."

Billow LIE 'ly grew up a poor black child in southeastern Detroit, Michigan, where he frequently
found himself ducking drive-by shootings and various other assassination attempts. Beating all
the odds, Billow graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age of eight,
and entered the Marine Corps in 1969 at thirteen. LIE'ly fought for sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos,
and Cambodia, where he heroically won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Medals of
Honor. After an injury prompted surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer eligible for combat,
so Billow reluctantly left the service to pursue a career in journalism, where he has since won three
Peabody Awards, a Pulitzer Prize. Billow is currently being considered for his second Nobel.

Second Season Debut of Real Time Stymied
Darrell Issa, Ron Silver Successfully Plant Moles in Bill Maher's Audience

His laugh almost seems like the laugh of an insane man. Almost. But Darrell Issa is not an insane man, at all. He's
a man on a mission from God.

With each passing day this man finds a greater purpose. If not turning a state government's electoral protocol on
its head, it's stonewalling a comedian whose opinions disturb him.

"This what free speech is all about!" laughed Issa hysterically, adding "the crickets are full of vinegar - can't you
hear it in their chirps?" He then stripped down to his underwear, clapped his hands twice, and ran out of the room.

It was at this point in our interview Jabba the Silver, Issa's partner in crime, reassured me Issa would return
shortly. Agreeing to speak on behalf of Mr. Issa, Jabba the Silver told me he'd be happy to talk to me about the
coup of the two.

Mr. Silver, do you mind if I call you Mr. Silver?" I
asked.

"Call me Jabba," replied Mr. Silver warmly.

"Thank you, Mr. Silver. Whose idea was it to
plant over half of Bill Maher's audience with
FReepers for Friday night's show?"

"Oh, it was Darrell's... all the way. I haven't had
had an original idea since the 80's," Mr. Silver
warmly replied.

"Well, whoever came up with it - it was brilliant!
I haven't heard that much emotional control
since the last time I spoke with Brit Hume,"
I said.

"Why, thank you," said Mr. Silver, in a warm way. "I ate dinner with Madonna once, you know."

"Is it true that you guys managed to lure over 150 FReepers and young Republicans to Maher's show?" I asked.

"Yes! We met most of them at a DVD-
Mumbling uncontrollably only on two occasions, Jabba the Silver managed to keep his cool for most of Maher's show
Friday night.
burning in Orange County, and after offering them all some veal biscotti and Miller Lite it was a done deal!" replied
Mr. Silver, warmly.

"You guys seemed to accomplish what you were after - from this side of the screen the weird audience vibe was
not noticeable at all!" I said. "Was there anything you guys didn't manage to accomplish Friday evening?"

"Well, I really though the Tawana Brawley thing was going to get (Reverend Al Sharpton), but it didn't phase him at
all," said Mr. Silver, warmly. "Apparently he can believe in a liar if she's a fifteen year old confused young woman,
but I can't believe in a liar if he's a 47 year old leader of the free world," he added, warmly. "I tell ya, Shit, that
'gotcha!" politics stuff can really backfire, ya know, and I thought my hypertension and I were about to do the
tango - straight to the floor!"

At this point Jabba the Silver broke into tears, mumbling incoherently, and I found it necessary to stop the interview.

But the deed of these giants will not go underappreciated - they did an absolutely fantastic
job of tweaking yet another tidbit of liberal culture. Freedom of speech, indeed!

Mr. Issa never returned to retrieve his clothes.

Making Brit Laugh
Why I Love My Job

One of the best things about life is making people laugh, and I consider myself to be the luckiest guy on the planet.
Why? Well, it's very simple, you see. I get to make Brit Hume laugh.

Master Hume respects my opinion, especially when I combine that opinion with disparaging remarks about liberals
and moderates, or when I couple a distortion of a fact with a slam against another news network. Works every
time.

Lately we've been doing a lot of talking and laughing about the Iowa Caucus. Or is it "caucuses"? Singular, or
plural? I have no idea, but that's a question I should file away in my memory banks: it's the kind of wry wit that
gets Master Hume every time!

We all seem to agree Howard Dean's victory is inevitable. Nothing funny about that. He's not what you'd call a
conventional liberal. Is that a viable term: "conventional liberal"? Hmmm. I'll have to try that one as a humorous
comment the next time Master Hume graces me with His presence. Yes, occasionally it's quite hard to figure out
what to say, what to suppress, and how to inject humor into the conversation.

Aside from all the laughing and
pretending-not-to-be-scared-that-everyone-and-their-grandmother-is-eager-to-replace-the-
president-this-year, we also spend a lot of time contradicting ourselves. No, we don't. Yes, we do. Hey, that's
another joke I can use when talking to Master Hume.

During our last taping we spent in excess of twenty minutes obsessing over Dean's increasing list of prominent
endorsements. You know - Al Gore, Martin Sheen, Meathead, Carol Mosely Braun, Jimmy Carter almost. "Jimmy
Carter Almos"? Would that be any relation to Edward James Almos?

I think I discovered another joke for Master Hume.

But I digress. Those twenty-one minutes, sixteen point eight seconds we spent infatuated with
Howard Dean's endorsements seemed to go on for decades. It was quite painful. Fortunately,
we all agreed at the end that endorsements don't matter. At all. They really don't matter at all.
That's why five of us focused on the topic for nearly half an hour.

Hey, I think found another joke!







				FOX News Through History