Last month we asked you to vote for
                   "America's Most Righteous Conservative."
                                        Here are the results!

                   #3  G. Gordon Liddy                        53,210 votes
                                      For Operation Diamond, during which Nixon's henchmen planned to drug,
                                      kidnap, and export anti-war activists to Mexico.

                   #2  Michael Savage                         64,556 votes
                          For telling AIDS victims they deserve to die.

                   #1  Georgia Republicans                90,931 votes
                          For comparing a one-limbed Vietnam Vet to Osama Bin Laden.


                                  RUNNERS-UP
                           #4  Pat Robertson, for threatening the State Department with nuclear weapons.
                           #5  Ronald Reagan, for selling Mustard and Sarin gas to Saddam Hussein.
                           #6  Joseph McCarthy, for taking the time between black-list entries to commute
                                  the sentences of convicted Nazi officers.

Moveon.org Compares Bush to Hitler
Typical Liberal Hate Speech
And I'm a Democrat!


I've never been so embarrassed to be a Democrat in all my life.

Yes, I am a Democrat, with a capital "D."  I don't think we mention that enough on our show.  FOX News has a
couple Democrats working for it.  Surprise surprise!  But it's not like we're liberal or anything.  We're good  
Democrats.  You know, conservative  Democrats.  Like Strom Thurmond and George Wallace.  Like David Duke.  
You know, the way Democrats should be.

Like Zell Miller.

Liberal Democrats, like the founders of Moveon.org, are guilty of a level of hatred so deep it has no place in politics
today.  They've allowed one of their viewers to actually make a controversial ad, one featuring the comparison
between George W. Bush and Adolph...

I don't even want to say his name.

Nevertheless, Moveon.org is running this ad 24 hours a day, on all its pages, and don't seem to be at all sorry for
doing it.  Apologies can make all the difference in the world, yet the website has not even attempted to issue one.  
Or, if they have, then it's an empty gesture... because apologies mean nothing after they're issued.

Despite the fact that Moveon cannot control every single thing every single person who visits their site does, they
should.  That isn't unrealistic or anything, is it?

It's a dirty, dirty trick, and I'm ashamed another Democrat would do something like this.  Really, I have to admit the
Republicans would never ever do something like this.

By the way, I'm a Democrat.  Did I mention that?

Since joining FOX in 1998 E.D has perpetuated hundreds of urban myths provided a common-sense view to
the smash morning hit The Juvenile Friends.  An active member of Cyclops United Now, Today, E.D. actually
finds time between her responsibilities as a mother, a "journalist," and a sell-out to bleach her hair once a
quarter and find fault with an ideology she pretends to espouse espouses.  Throughout the toughest of times
E.D. manages to hold her chin up, proving that she is, indeed, the strongest woman you'll ever meet.

                       News in Brief:

McNabb Rude to Limbaugh
According to rumors Donovan McNabb, quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, snubbed Rush Limbaugh Sunday
night at an Eagles' victory party.  FOX thinks this was highly uncivilized; McNabb owes the world an explanation.

Gibson Two Days Liquor-Free
"It's the damnedest thing," says FOX Anchor John Gibson, "but I can actually remember stuff up to ten days old!

Goldberg's Son to Release New Book
Bernie Goldberg's son, Eppie, has written a new book chronicling his trials & tribulations as a high-school basketball
player. "HEIGHT BIAS: A Basketball Short Strider Exposes how Gravity Distorts His Vertical Leap" is scheduled for
release next month.  Proud father Bernie told FOX, "If this sells he wants to write a second book, tentatively called,
"SPEED ARROGANCE: Rescuing My Short-Legged Friends from the Stopwatch Elite."

Immigration Policy Entirely Consistent With Conservative Ideals
Besides, it Gives Us Fascists Another Group of Second-Rate Citizens
Watch out, Liberals, Nonconformist Minorities, and Poor Folks - You're Getting Some Competition!

You know what, ah-right?  This story is what alot of liberals are gonna tell you reeks of hypocrisy for George Bush
and the Republicans.  But it doesn't, mmkay?  It just doesn't.  Now, LOOK: anyone who tells you this amnest... new
immigration policy is blatantly hypocritical is just lyin, ahhright?

Ahkay?

Mkay?

'nough said.

Billow LIE 'ly grew up a poor black child in southeastern Detroit, Michigan. Beating all the odds, Billow graduated with a PhD in
Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age of eight, and entered the Marine Corps in 1969 at thirteen.  LIE'ly fought for
sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, where he heroically won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Medals of
Honor.  After an injury prompted surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer eligible for combat, so Billow reluctantly left the
service to pursue a career in journalism, where he has since won three Peabody Awards, a Pulitzer Prize.  Billow is currently being
considered for the Nobel.

He Who Laughs Best Laughs Best
Laughing at Paul O'Neill's Remarks Might Make Them Go Away


The mischaracterization of George Bush as "a blind man" is almost too scary to confront  too funny to debate.

Former Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill is characterizing George W. Bush as a "disengaged" man, saying that
at cabinet meetings the president was "like a blind man in a room full of deaf people."

Last night he spoke to 60 Minute's Leslie Stahl, but before that interview could be aired we here at FOX arranged
and carried out a finely drafted, pre-emptive strike against Mr. O'Neill: we laughed and laughed and then we
laughed again.  We laughed so hard my sides hurt.

Paul O'Neill, a miserable left wing failure of a Secretary of the Treasury, has said that his initial meeting with Mr.
Bush was more like a monologue, during which president did nothing more than listen, smile, and nod.

That makes me laugh, just thinking about this guy's assessment of Mr. Bush.  It's funny that he's so wrong about
Mr. Bush, and the more we all laugh about it the more time we have to figure out how to address this disturbing
portrayal of President Bush enjoy laughing at how erroneous his portrayal is.

Ha ha.  Ha.  Still laughing, as you can see.  It's so funny, I can barely type right now

Wesley Clark or Mr. Rogers?
He's Wearing Sweaters... in Balmy New Hampshire?!










This man needs an image makeover.  He's too manly, according to his supporters.

Now, if that idea strikes you as funny, don't worry.  It strikes me as funny, too.

But apparently Wesley Clark needs to "feminize" in order to get more of the Democratic voter base.  Kinda like a
rodent that needs to get dirtier so it might be able to hang out with the sewer rats.

So the Clark camp is doing three things - dressing him up in sweaters (like a little girl), sending him out for photo
opportunities with ugly old ladies, and touting a letter of endorsement from none other than... Madonna??!

Now, the sweater thing is bizarre enough when you realize General Clark is currently staying with friends in New
Hampshire.  I mean - hello?  Wearing sweaters in New Hampshire?  No wonder he's so thin - he must constantly be
sweating in those sweaters.

Get it?  Heh heh.

The posing-with-old-ladies move is predictable, so in actuality we Republicans should be impressed by that one.

But what gets me is the Madonna thing.  Oh, for the G.O.P. it's a windfall - you just don't see a whole lot of ditzy
blond pop stars endorsing Mr. Bush (thank goodness) - but it really makes the Democrats look immature and
desperate.  If it floats the democrats' proverbial boat, then I have no arguments, but I mean... how hard-up must
you be to allow a mindless pop diva endorse you?




The most popular friend of FOX & Friends' The Juvenile Bunch is Judge Antony Diminutivo.  Judge Diminutivo's
greatest talent is the ability to remind the Juvenile Bunch of First Amendment issues, in tones that steer away
from suggesting his advocacy of the continued legality of the questionable amendment.  Antony's "Legalese"
show can be heard daily on WNUTS 450 a.m. Talk Radio.

Howard Dean Changes His Mind About Something He Said in 1971
He Must be Losing His Marbles


On Tuesday, May 3, 1971, Howard Dean visited a small delicatessen in New Haven, Connecticut, to try some of their
new apple pie.

The following day the New Haven Register ran a small photo of a broadly smiling Mr. Dean on page C-3, under which
is written the following: "Howard Dean, Senior at Yale, approves!"  The story's focus was on the recent renovation
of the same, small deli.

Fast forward to August, 2003, when Dean said, "I've never liked traditional desserts, like apple pie, very much."
(emphasis mine)

Of course, the message an unbiased observer, like me, takes away from all this is simple: Howard Dean lies.  A man
supposedly embraces an apple pie in 1971, and no less than 32 years later he disavows the dessert staple
altogether!

Obviously, this "man" is an inconsistent waffler, meaning he will definitely make no one a good president.

A darling of lying liars and the people who believe their lies, Howard Dean is no one for which you should
think about voting, unless you're as much a liar as is he.

The History of FOX News

Shooting for the Moon
Kennedy-esque "Vision" Not At All Provoked By Recent Characterization
of President Bush As A "Blind Man"


President Bush wants to shoot the moon, cha, and make it the primary launching point from which future missions to
Mars and beyond will begin.

This man has vision.  That much is clear.  How clear?  Lemme put it this way, cha cha... clearer than Edgar Winter's
butt cheeks, in the middle of December, after a bleach and peroxide rub-down, cha!

But some naysayers would disagree that this is a good idea.  I say "bull!"  I disagree with those guys more
stubbornly than a horny bull, loose in a milk farm, tripping on bottle of viagra he found and devoured on the way in,
with a thorn lodged in his scrotum ... cha!

I know, I know.  The budget.  That's what you're gonna tell me.  "The budget won't allow for it.  The budget won't
allow for it."

Well, ya know what?  I just don't care.  Somethin' about a ton of debt, and a trade deficit or somethin'... but we
Americans can afford to be financially irresponsible, you know?  I mean, who the f#&@ cares?  I mean, really... it's
not like China or Indonesia is gonna come knocking on our door...

"Heh-ro?  You-a-owin' us MONEY!  Pay up or no more cheap hangers for dem
Wal Malt stores, whitey!"

A hee hee hee hee hee ho ho hee ha!

                  FOX FLASH!

The Man We Stopped From Getting Here
Department of Homeland Defense Releases Photo of Suspected Terrorist










FAUX News Channel has learned the identity of the man who held up so many people for so many hours these past
few days.

His name is "Ad-BILL-ima  Clin-TON-abdul" and is wanted by authorities worldwide.  Experts predict he will
attempt to conceal his identity by shaving his moustache and coloring his hair.

If you see this man please contact the FBI, CIA, DHS, DEA, IRS, or your local police ASAP.