TERROR ALERT: HIGH
STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR TERROR. FDR WAS WRONG.
Name That Drug!
What cool, 1980s video-game/action hero-esque
name should our newest drug have?
"FIBROVEX"
"TRIXODORN"
"ZAXXON"
"GORBITRAN" Vote here
TERROR ALERT: HIGH
FEAR MAKES CHURCH A WHOLE LOT MORE ENJOYABLE.
Millions of Americans Owe Their Existence to Ridge and Ashcroft
Dynamic Duo has Stopped Dozens of Terrorist Attacks
Attacks Definitely Would Have Happened if Al Gore was in Office
Terrorist passengers take over an airplane and crash it into a building - killing thousands of innocent people in the
process.
[hic] Angry teenagers detonate a car bomb right next to a facility where American men and women are serving in a
foreign, hostile country.
Leader of an extremist, anti-American terrorist group issues a cryptic warning on audiotape, then enjoys watching
millions of Americans panic once their leaders respond with an ambiguous, but [hic] alarmist message "warning"
westerners against a looming yet unspecified danger.
Anyone with half a brain knows no such events would ever occur on George Bush's watch.
Ronald Reagan drew up the master blueprint for fighting terrorism. He developed it in response to the Lebanese
crisis in 1984 - by not backing down to terrorists, by staying the course, and most certainly by refusing to withdraw
Marines from Lebanon after some minuscule, undaunting terrorist acts that some people felt actually threatened to
shake the foundations of American resolve. In the process, Mr. Reagan completely stopped all terrorism - without
shedding a single American's blood.
That is, until Billy Bob Clinton took office, at which time the terrorists decided to jump back into the game. [hic]
Indeed, Bill Clinton, on whose watch SIXTEEN men died in Somalia, [hic] wouldn't know a thing about preventing
unnecessary deaths. One shudders at the thought of a liberal in the oval office these days; we'd surely have lost
more than SIXTEEN men in the war on terrorism.
Yes, we all should be thankful that our administration has definitely, absolutely, and without any shred of a doubt
prevented no less than forty horrific acts of terrorism against our great nation, saving tens of millions of Americans'
lives along the way. (Be sure to thank GOD tonight before you pray for Howard Dean and Wes Clark to go away.)
But you'll find no gratitude among the liberal elites, which should come as no surprise. We won the Cold War, which
everyone knows began in 1981 and ended in 1989, and received absolutely no thanks from the liberal elites, did
we? [hic]
Don't let the disgrace of liberals phase you. We're saving lives every day.
I love you, man. [hic]
Edward Falvey: Super-Duper Cool Man
Did He Actually Threaten Hillary Clinton?
Or Has the Liberal Media Blown This Whole Thing Out of Proportion?
Edward Falvey of Camden, New Jersey, is looking to "spice things up." Understandably so, I think, since he's facing
the possibility of getting out of prison next June. Falvey, who was once convicted for a bogus charge that he
"threatened" Jimmy Carter (all together now - Jimmy who?), is currently serving time in the Fairton, NJ Federal
Correctional Institution.
Falvey is facing charges of threatening the life of New York Senator Hillary Clinton. These allegations stem from a
letter he wrote to his psychologist in April, in which he stated he wanted to "shoot" a famous person, "HRC," or
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Says Falvey, "I meant 'shoot' as a double-entendre... you know, as in 'shoot a photo,' as in, 'I wanna be a
photographer, and the first person I wanna take a picture of is Mrs. Clinton'," explained Falvey. "I guess she can't
take a joke," he added.
Due to this new instance of political correctness Falvey may not be able to walk out a free man after serving thirty
months good time of a sixty month sentence. "I've been really good," he explained, "and all I was doing was
making a little joke. I'm pretty bored these days, you know, and I just wanted to spice things up."
A confident, no, cocky man, Mr. Falvey spoke to me at length last week about the recent charges against him. Let's
hope he's not another victim of political correctnessmeets-a-collectively poor sense of humor. Let's hope he gets his
wish.
Of walking out of prison later this year. That's what I meant.
Michael Jackson not a Conservative
Therefore all Liberals are Exactly like Michael Jackson
He likes little boys. He wears much more makeup than most women, occasionally even more eyeliner than Billow
LIE'ly, and he's got talent. Real, artistic talent. Sound like a conservative to you?
No, I don't think my concise biography of Michael Jackson fits the likes of someone you'd find voting in a G.O.P.
primary.
This is because Michael Jackson is a liberal. Now, I know all about liberals - I used to be one... I mean I've
interviewed plenty of them. And there's one thing that can definitively be said about liberals - they're not
conservatives.
Some argue that, unlike extreme conservatism, which - they'd say - inevitably becomes a singularly-focused,
tunnel-vision-driven, gravitational clump of ideologues, liberalism is draped across the spectrum of experience and
therefore reflects the "fact" that humans are as discrete and diverse as the stars and planets in the sky. To
distant observers, the liberals' argument might continue, these planets and stars and asteroids seem alike, but
only to observers whose narrow and obsessive focus keep them from genuine exploration of the human condition.
But we conservatives know better, because we are of this earth, and from earth all those "stars in the sky" are
really nothing more than little points of light. Everyone knows our initial impressions of a thousand little points of
lights is a lot more accurate than reality itself, so we conservatives, who keep our feet on planet Earth, know
better than to fall for the specious paradigm of "diversity."
If Michael Jackson bleaches his skin, then it's because all liberals bleach their skin. If Michael Jackson keeps the
Elephant Man's bones on display in his library, then it's because all liberals would happily keep the Elephant Man's
bones on display in their libraries. If Michael Jackson has an underdeveloped set of genitals, then it's because all
liberals have underdeveloped genitals.
Liberals are, indeed, all exactly alike. Bill Clinton likes little boys. Susan Sarandon has real, artistic talent. Tommy
Lee has underdeveloped genitals. And George Clooney wears much more makeup than most women, occasionally
even more eyeliner than Billow LIE'ly himself.
Don't let them fool you. Liberals are not planets and stars and comets and nebulae. Outer space - like reality
itself - is black and white, and liberals are all just little, obnoxious pins of light.
Dean Versus the Rest
A Fair and Balanced Attempt to Divide and Conquer Examination of the Democrats
When will they learn? When will the Democrats learn that an extremist candidate cannot win a presidential
election?
We Repugnants already know this. By way of evidence, in 2000 we had the chance to grab up one of the most
extreme members of the G.O.P. out there - Senator John McCain. Yet we resisted that urge, quite decidedly so, I
should add, because we are a wise party.
So the question remains - when will the Democrats learn? Perhaps it's a rhetorical inquiry, as the Democrats have
already seemingly sealed their fate. But let's entertain the topic nonetheless. Notwithstanding their doomed
efforts, when will they learn that the worst possible thing they can do is nominate some ideologue to run up
against George W. Bush - a man with clearly no ideals whatsoever?
The Democrats have such a large pool of presidential hopefuls that it's often difficult to keep track of which one's in
charge of things. Are the responsible, more moderate candidates, like Joe Lieberman and Dick Gephart, running
the show, or do the radical, left-wing maniacs Howard Dean, Carol Moseley Braun, and John Edwards represent
the party's current flagship?
Perhaps the clearly insane candidates - Al Sharpton and Welsey Clark - are steering the vast, left-leaning ship
towards the Bermuda Triangle of politics. If not them, then somebody's doing it.
Seriously, there is a real dilemma within the Democratic Party. This is a party that cannot win with their most
popular candidates; they're a mixed-up group of folks that will not humble themselves to the fact that Dick Gephart
and Joe Lieberman are the strongest men they've got!
What to do... what to do... do you run on your most popular candidate, Howard Dean - a man whose past reflects a
level of insanity rivaled by none but a few Lon Chaney characters? A man whose loss would make Michael
Dukakis' loss seem like a photo finish?
Or do you run your most spineles... er, I mean to say, most electable candidates, Lieberman and Gephart?
Gephart is not the most popular of the Democraitc candidates, but would really really really give the Grand Old
Party a real run for its money.
Really.
I'll leave it up to those Democrats who might be reading my words today (as billions do): either be a responsible
political party and help the candidates which could take your party into a veritable extinctio... that is to say,
VICTORY, or run the candidate Bush will surely cheat... that is, beat.
Hollywood Fakes Mars Landing
Back to Their Old Trickery
The story goes like this: men send spacecraft, designed to find life forms, to a "planet" called "Mars," eventually
finding life forms and thus driving another nail into the coffin of Christianity.
Now, aside from the obvious ending, which anyone in their right mind should dread, I have two problems with the
development and coverage of this story.
For starters, GOD didn't make any such things as "planets." Nowhere in the Bible does GOD mention anything
about space travel, planets, or biochemistry. These "planets," along with just about every thing else Hollywood and
the liberals manufacture, are an underhanded tool with which the amoral, elitist atheists of the world continuously
spread their message of moral relativism.
Secondly, this news item is one of several stories allowing good Americans like you and me to become distracted
from what we really should be thinking about these days: moslem sandmonkeys and the imminent danger they
pose to us and our way of life.
Now, although we righteous CHRISTIANS know the world is a flat place, and the red dot we call "Mars" is just a
big M&M GOD dropped a few years ago (I estimate about 4,000 to 4,150 years, to be specific), there's not very
much that we can do to dispel the grandiose myths Hollywood pours over the American public from time to time.
But to take away from the biggest story of all time, well, that's a tragic situation indeed.
For instance, how many of you wonderful readers have seen a news story - outside of on the FOX News Channel,
or in the NewsPox periodical - about the sandmonkeys and their plots to destroy GOD's greatest country? I bet
the answer is none! It's a giant conspiracy, and no one is pointing out that we've all got to be on the lookout
for sand monkeys!!!
Let us pray: OH LORD, PLEASE DELIVER US FROM THE EVIL WAYS OF PROGRESS, SCIENCE, and
INTELLIGENCE. PLEASE KEEP EVERYONE FOCUSED ON KILLING EVERY SANDMONKEY WE CAN GET
AWAY WITH MURDERING. AMEN.
