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Bush Releases Service Documents

> Administration able to find youthful
74-year old retired Lieutenant Colonel to
certify the veracity of the newly released
documents!
> President said to be "shocked" at
number of pay stubs. "You sure that's
only six years' worth?" snickered the
noble Texan.

RELATED STORIES:

> Unbiased general whose career
depends entirely upon Bush
administration gives unbiased opinion at
morning press conference.
> Rove confident nation won't realize Mr.
Bush's daddy had a lot to do with his
Honorable Discharge: "For weeks now
we've been very careful to avoid bringing
the CIA to the minds of Americans."

As these documents clearly show, Bush served a couple days in
January-February 1972, four days in March, and a bunch of days
November-December 1972. Politically wise, the administration is
confident releasing these documents will finally put this issue to bed.

Referring to Robert Novak's outing of
Valerie Plame, wife of Ambassador Wilson
and undercover CIA agent, Matlin insisted
the leak probe would never get to her.
"Come on... they're looking for a guy...
they'll never figure out it was me, Carl," she
said. "They'll never finger me," says Mary
Matlin.

Ms. Matlin has asked FOX to keep her
identity anonymous.

Liddy Suffers Reality Attack

Curmudgeonly convict and failed Nixon
henchman G. Gordon Liddy suffered a
reality attack late last night. Feeling a dull
pain in his chest Liddy became momentarily
aware that he is not God.

Despite initial concerns the symptoms arose
from a heart condition, the pain subsided
once Liddy took a popular antacid. Experts
attribute the momentary bout of cognizance
to a late meal of particularly spicy
enchiladas, and predicted Gordon will not
again suffer a dose of realistic self-esteem
for "at least another decade."

WINTER STORM COMING
Blizzard a Grave, Gathering Danger
Not Expected to Become 'Imminent Threat'

According to FOX chief meteorologist, Seedy
N. Doofus, a major blizzard is expected to hit
the Buffalo area next week. He described the
storm as "grave and gathering," carefully pointing
out it's not an "imminent threat."

Although sound meteorological intelligence
suggests no such storm exists, the Pentagon
Meteorologists Syndicate (PMS) -- an independent
organization based in Crystal City, VA -- disagrees.

Condoleeza "R" of PMS assured FOX News the residents of upstate New York "must not
ignore the threat gathering against them." She warned that the final proof "could come in the
form of a nimbostratus cloud."

Chuckles Doofus, "we're not calling it 'imminent,' so if it doesn't actually materialize our hands are
clean!"

Pilot Attacked for Practicing First Amendment Rights
Political Correctness Strikes Again

Politically correct liberals have, quite absurdly, attempted to call a pilot's unsolicited, airborne
proselytizing dangerous and disturbing.

Over the airliner's intercom system Captain Rodger K. Findiesen of Annapolis, Maryland justly
denounced his non-Christian passengers as 'crazy,' and advised his fellow good Christians to
proselytize them during the short four hour and twenty eight minute trip from Los Angeles to New
York City.

"You have a choice: you can make this trip worthwhile, or you can sit back, read a book and watch
the movie," Captain Findiesen correctly and righteously said.

Seems harmless enough to us here at FOX News, but the liberals do protest too much, we think.
As crazy as it sounds, the left-leaning elitists think people "get touchy" around religious
fundamentalists on airliners. (We still can't figure out where they got that idea.)

But don't blame the pilot: "I'm just an outgoing guy," he says. Captain Findiesen told FOX he's
always been a big ham, known to friends and family for always hogging the spotlight. "In high
school I'd get everyone's attention by running into theaters and screaming 'FIRE' at the top of my
lungs. It was great!"

FOX News commends anyone brave enough to accept Jesus and reject the political correctness of
secularist liberals who are destroying our great nation. You can call Captain
Rodger K. Findiesen at his home in Annapolis, MD.

In a dog-eat-dog political world, who's got the biggest bark? The smallest son of a bitch
around, of course. AKA "The Bald Poodle," Dork is a long time stagnatist friend of many
FOX correspondents. Frequently heard telling decades-old jokes on Shemp Hannity's
radio show, Levin occasionally writes "fresh" material for Jay Leno. Frequently able to
make the mentally deficient laugh, Dork regularly appears on Shemp Hannity's radio
show on 450 a.m. WNUTS Talk Radio.