Secretary Ricklesfeld
Hires Drummer

"The better the
rimshot, the
better the swipe!"

New addition to DoD
boss' cabinet needed
"to punctuate my
message," according
to secretary Donald
Ricklesfeld.

RIDGE NOT COMPLETELY RETARDED
Despite the appearance that the
Department of Homeland Defense
has no clue as to actual threats to
Americans, Secretary Ridge assures
FOX the seemingly random and
sporadic airline restrictions and
directionless border policies are not
so random, after all.
Bracing for the Worst
New information on British Airlines flights and
travelers to Houston welcome news for Tom Ridge,
eager to see Americans scared shitless. "So long as
there's big events happening, we can keep everyone
properly alarmed!"

FOX News Announces   
No-Botox Policy        
re: John Kerry          

Shemp Hannity: "I'm too  
magnandimous to steep  
to that level"           

While many rumors abound about John Kerry's
vanity, FOX's #1 pundit has decided he's above them.

Responding to recent rumors by Matt Drudge that John Kerry paid a doctor to
eliminate his forehead wrinkles by injecting him with Botox, Hannity remarked,
"I know it's ironical, but it really don't matter.  Irregardless what everyone
else is saying, I'm gonna show some dignification on this one," says Shemp
Hannity.  "I knows he's colorin' his hair, but I don't too much care about
his furry brow too much."

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