The Most Powerful Smell in News

by Newt Priggish

Secretary of Defense, Donald Ricklesfeld, has announced America will capitalize on the preponderance of minorities in today's Army by launching into Operation Desert Beeyotch, the next phase of the war police action in Iraq. Utilizing illegally modified Uzi machine guns, commercial-grade spray paint, and 1970s-era "hoopdee" cars, platoons of five to eight men will be ordered to protect certain blocks of certain Iraqi cities. However, this action has apparently upset several anti-patriotic conservative-hating activist groups in America, and abroad.

It's an historically proven fact that the greatest of stagnatists are often misunderstood by the more commonplace practitioners of intellectualism and progress. Unfortunately, once the communist pinko historical "scientists" (as if history and science have anything to do with one another!), men who think they can look back at a time and be more objective about it, get ahold of the stories of history's great but misunderstood stagnatists, pioneers such as J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy, the sad but true underestimations and maladaptations of their contemporaries all but vanish under the weight of the latest flavor of neo-Soviet revisionism, only to be replaced via the simplistic process of horse manure widely referred to as the dialectic. Oh, sure, we all knew that anyway, but why, then, does this phenomenon not become an archaity of 'good' (read, bad) times past, instead of persisting, with the tenacity of my love-handles, as it does? The question, naturally, seems rudimentary enough, and the answer is within our grasp, though it never ceases to bear repeating: the slow and deliberate elimination of liberal thought presents for us a lengthy road indeed, but one has but to recall the steadfastness of great minds like John Adams and Herbert Hoover from which to derive inspiration.

One quite modern-day (but Hooveresque) stagnatist personality graced the news' headlines all last week - Mr. Secretary of Defense Donald Ricklesfeld, as you all surely know, for nothing more than the performance of his unforgiving duty of telling it like it is. Sadly the liberals don't seem much to enjoy being informed of the truth, but such is the way of our lugubrious world.

Mr. Ricklesfeld stated that we as a nation should happily accept one or two deaths per day among American soldiers currently deployed to Iraq. This, Mr. Ricklesfeld reminded us, is a lesser rate than most of our soldiers would have been exposed to were they still tramping the streets of Los Angeles or Washington, D.C. After all, as many of you know, the great majority of our military men are enlisted men; this is true for all six (lest we forget the Homeland Defense Department!) branches of our military machine. Furthermore, Mr. Ricklesfeld has so insightfully pointed out, most of the men being exposed to the still-active Iraqi terrorist cells today are Army enlisted men, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots: these young black and hispanic men were all - without a doubt - gang members prior to joining up.

As such Mr. Ricklesfeld has deemed the time nigh to begin a new campaign exploiting these young men's abilities, and encouraging them to see around their fears just as they might have when they were certainly performing nightly drive-by's on rival gang members
"Operation Desert Beeyotch shows a lot of promise," Secretary Ricklesfeld assured me, "these young punks are used to killing this way, and now they won't be pussies when it comes to tramping the streets of Baghdad, Fallujah, or anywhere else we send them to slime." To enhance the experience Mr. Ricklesfeld has authorized a shipment of Eminem and Ludacris CDs to the region. "You know how those people like to dance," he quipped.

Dennis Miller Stops Shaking for 30 Seconds
Manages to Stand Still for Photographer

Geraldo Betrayo

This afternoon Dennis Miller stood still for about half a minute, so that his photographer could snap the sharp-tongued comedian's picture. The photo session was one of the last steps in the completion of Miller's latest book, Rantity, Ranticulatory, Rantithon Rants. Professional photographer David Patterson was thrilled, saying it only took two days to get the shoot done. "The last time we did this it took over a week," said Patterson, whose high-speed shutter work with Ann Coulter got Miller's attention in 1999.

Miller, whose comedic approach has been described, of late, as "formulaic, trite, and simply unfunny" told me his critics are "duller than the butter knife O.J. Simpson uses to open his weekly regimen of baked beans and tuna fish."

Recently, Miller has been criticized for politically "switching sides" from liberalism to conservatism, but that's not entirely true, says the handsome pontificator.

"I've always been a stagnatist. You know that, but the people who say this type of (stuff) have been misled. How misled? (chuckles) Let me put it this way... more misled than Hillary Clinton after Bill described his frequent trips to Thailand as 'diplomatic functions'!"

When I asked him what makes him a conservative Miller stated, "Look, cha cha, these communist femi-nazi liberals always label men with whom they disagree more violently than Mike Tyson after several days of REM sleep deprivation nasty names like 'Hitler,' 'racist,' and 'ignoramus.' But you never see conservatives labeling these idiotic communist femi-nazi liberals anything, do ya? Cha. It's clear to me which school of political thought is the more mature one.

How clear? (chuckles) Let me put it this way... clearer than Edgar Winter's complexion after a lengthy bleach bath and peroxide rubdown, cha."

Carl Stammerin

President Bush is still struggling with how to describe a man whose homicide bombing attempt failed to kill anyone but himself. A collection of experts and the President are actively working together to resolve this problem. The latest word is that Mr. Bush favors "self-homicide" and "self-inflicted-killifying" over "auto-homicide" - as suggested by Karl Rove - because, "he says the car was never alive," an anonymous White House source told FOX.

FOX has also learned that the President is in high spirits, frequently adding a dose of his light-hearted humor to the otherwise heavy discussions. His principle concern, said the source, is that, "someone really oughtta come up with a word for this type of thing."

The confusion began when, on Tuesday, a Palestinian man armed with a car bomb failed to accomplish his goal of killing several Israeli soldiers at a check point in the Golan Heights. The would-be homicide bomber's plan was to remain inside the explosive-rigged automobile and detonate the vehicle just as he drove past the Israeli military men. However, as luck would have it, he had improperly set up the detonation timer, and as a result only the driver himself was killed.

According to reports the Palestinian man had been planning the bombing for several days, but had not fully learned how to calibrate the timer. "Thank God for incompetentness," said President Bush, "now, let's just figure out a way to label this evil man and get on with our lives."

Newt Priggish is a self-made multi-millionaire who, despite getting a hummer in his wife's driveway as she lay a few feet away recovering from chemotherapy, is the authority on morality. Newt's rote-memorization skills far outweigh the remainder of his collective mental faculties, and his mysterious ability to convert everyday coal into diamonds is still a well-guarded family secret. After using his political office to punish immoral bastards like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, Newt decided to move on to TV, where each day one can marvel at his ability to pass off another bout of passively aggressive 'Divide and Conquer' caveats - typically fictional in nature, as in, "Uh-oh! The progressives are fighting amongst themselves again!" - as concern.
Newt is currently working hard on the third affair of his fifth marriage.

In Brief

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC IMAGES
And a couple of harmless photos

Photos of John Ashcroft Released
World Reassured Closet Pervert not "Pulling his Pud"

Two extremely vivid photographs of a healthy Attorney General of the United States have been published on the internet and distributed to newspapers throughout America. The goal is to assure Americans their leading lawman is not currently doing anything dangerously perverted.

Specifically, the Rove Bush administration released these pictures to convince fearful Americans that the nation's top lawyer is not presently raping any livestock or masturbating to photos of preteen boys.

"He's bein' real good," explained our non-anonymous-but-name-changed-for-his-protection-mous White House source, "and hasn't abused himself for over two hours weeks." Senior administration officials told Faux News that the Attorney General was not prompted to pose for either photograph, nor in any way was he asked to "look wholesome."

Bush Administration Announces Perpetual Motion and Time Travel Initiatives
"Nothing is impossible!"

Bolstered by their monumental successes in foreign and domestic affairs, the administration has announced it is now ready to take their ability to accomplish the impossible to the next level.

Says Dr. Condoleeza Rice, "we're gonna travel in time. We're gonna break the speed of light. We're gonna put dinosaurs on the moon. Nothing is impossible."

"After all," continued Dr. Rice, "we've rid the world of Bin Laden and Hussein. We've ushered in Israeli-Palestinian peace. We've eliminated anti-American Muslim hostility. We've bridged the gap between the American left and right. We've nursed an ailing economy back to health. We've kept the nation's deficit under control. And nobody said we could do a single one of those things."

Mark Fuhrer Successfully Plants Own Sperm
Prosecutor of Kobe Bryant Pleased

Blames delay on "not bein' able to find old photos of Ollie North, but it's done. So far, so good," says Mark. "Now let's hang this (man)."

Shemp Hammity on Assignment:
Home-Scooling is the Goodest Thing That Every Happen to Me

Plans to actually write some of his next book. "Irregardless of whom writes it, it's obvious-like a lot of people would buy it,"
chimed the hypertense Shemp.

Yoko Ono PUNK'D
Wins Bird Call Contest Thinking it's a Concert

"It was the best Sharp-Tailed Grouse any of us'd ever heard" - expert.

FOX Reporter Fired for not Being Fair and Balanced Enough
FOX Demographic not Ready for Morally Ambiguous Stories

"Too confusing," says Rupert Murdoch.

Wal Mart Customer Caught on Tape Opening "Blank Inside" Cards

"I kept forgetting!" - perp's excuse

"IT IS DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY a reason for our newborn war against Serbia, unless it be the right of global elites to impose their tastes on lessers through the force of arms.
"Never in our history has a call to combat seemed as perplexing and hollow as this one. President Clinton and his aides have tried repeatedly to persuade themselves and Congress of the need to enter a far-off civil conflict in Kosovo, but no single reason seems satisfactory. The White House thus has offered a shifting menu of justifications:
"Reason: We must act to stop the slaughter of innocents. This is an admirable goal. Yet, we could achieve the same aim far more grandly, with much less risk to American blood and treasure, if we decided to invade Rwanda or the Congo. Kosovo and Serbia don't rank among the top dozen bloody civil crises raging on our planet today.
"Reason: Administration officials warn that the fight could widen into a global conflict unless we act quickly to put out the fire. They point to the first world war.
"But the present situation differs from the first world war in critical respects, the chief of which is that no major power has a defensive alliance with the feuding parties. If anything, we could ignite a wider conflict. The best way to duplicate the casus belli of the first world war would be to plunk an international force into Kosovo and stir up resentment among Turks, Albanians/Muslims, Macedonians, Greeks, -- and heaven knows who else.
"Reason: We feel an obligation to get NATO out of a mess. This is the honest explanation. This is not a war to save children, snuff out genocide or starve warlike appetites. It is a fight to save face.
"This enterprise seems breathtakingly high-handed. A bunch of outsiders, lounging in well-appointed conference rooms, have studied a far-off civil crisis and forced their way into the conflict without a clear invitation from either side. If that isn't imperialism, nothing is --- and the ultimate result of this fight could be a fatal weakening of the notion of national sovereignty.
"We do not have enough available troops to win a ground war (or to handle predictable flare-ups in such places as Bosnia and Macedonia, and one doubts European powers have the will to send hundreds of thousands of their finest into harm's way. After all, we're not fighting a territorially ambitious ideology, such as Nazism or Communism.
"If this is a war to save face, we ought to get in and out quickly. This is not a satisfactory way to resolve the ongoing horror of Kosovo, but it's a much better option than throwing our young men and women into a battle we don't know how to fight or intend to win."

"IT IS DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY a reason for our newborn war against (nation) _______, unless it be the right of global elites to impose their tastes on lessers through the force of arms.
"Never in our history has a call to combat seemed as perplexing and hollow as this one. President (name) _______ and his aides have tried repeatedly to persuade themselves and Congress of the need to enter a far-off civil conflict in (troubled region) _____________, but no single reason seems satisfactory. The White House thus has offered a shifting menu of justifications:
"Reason: We must act to stop the slaughter of innocents. This is an admirable goal. Yet, we could achieve the same aim far more grandly, with much less risk to American blood and treasure, if we decided to invade Rwanda or the Congo. (Two troubled regions) ________ and ________ don't rank among the top dozen bloody civil crises raging on our planet today.
"Reason: Administration officials warn that the fight could widen into a (cause for concern) __________ unless we act quickly to put out the fire. They point to (combative aggression) __________________.
"But the present situation differs from (combative aggression) __________________ in critical respects, the chief of which is that no major power has a defensive alliance with (combatants) ___________. If anything, we could ignite a (cause for concern) __________ . The best way to duplicate the casus belli of (combative aggression) __________________ would be to plunk an international force into (troubled region) _____________ and stir up resentment among (occupants of troubled region) ________, ________, ________, ________, -- and heaven knows who else.
"Reason: We feel an obligation to get (presidential embarrassment) _________________________ out of a mess. This is the honest explanation. This is not a war to save children, snuff out genocide or starve warlike appetites. It is a fight to save face.
"This enterprise seems breathtakingly high-handed. A bunch of outsiders, lounging in well-appointed conference rooms, have studied a far-off civil crisis and forced their way into the conflict without a clear invitation from either side. If that isn't imperialism, nothing is --- and the ultimate result of this fight could be a fatal weakening of the notion of national sovereignty.
"We do not have enough available troops to win a ground war (or to handle predictable flare-ups in such places as (troubled region) ________ and (troubled region) ________, and one doubts European powers have the will to send hundreds of thousands of their finest into harm's way. After all, we're not fighting a territorially ambitious ideology, such as Nazism or Communism.
"If this is a war to save face, we ought to get in and out quickly. This is not a satisfactory way to resolve the ongoing horror of (threat to peace) ___________________, but it's a much better option than throwing our young men and women into a battle we don't know how to fight or intend to win."

"IT IS DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY a reason for our newborn war against Iraq, unless it be the right of global elites to impose their tastes on lessers through the force of arms.
"Never in our history has a call to combat seemed as perplexing and hollow as this one. President Bush and his aides have tried repeatedly to persuade themselves and Congress of the need to enter a far-off civil conflict in the Middle East, but no single reason seems satisfactory. The White House thus has offered a shifting menu of justifications:
"Reason: We must act to stop the slaughter of innocents. This is an admirable goal. Yet, we could achieve the same aim far more grandly, with much less risk to American blood and treasure, if we decided to invade Rwanda or the Congo. Iraq and Israel don't rank among the top dozen bloody civil crises raging on our planet today.
"Reason: Administration officials warn that the fight could widen into an increase in anti-American terrorism unless we act quickly to put out the fire. They point to the attacks of 9-11.
"But the present situation differs from the attacks of 9-11 in critical respects, the chief of which is that no major power has a defensive alliance with the terrorists. If anything, we could ignite an increase in anti-American terrorism. The best way to duplicate the casus belli of the attacks of 9-11 would be to plunk an international force into Iraq and stir up resentment among Iraqis, Iranians, Syrians, Jordanians, -- and heaven knows who else.
"Reason: We feel an obligation to get an incompetent administrations failed domestic policies out of a mess. This is the honest explanation. This is not a war to save children, snuff out genocide or starve warlike appetites. It is a fight to save face.
"This enterprise seems breathtakingly high-handed. A bunch of outsiders, lounging in well-appointed conference rooms, have studied a far-off civil crisis and forced their way into the conflict without a clear invitation from either side. If that isn't imperialism, nothing is --- and the ultimate result of this fight could be a fatal weakening of the notion of national sovereignty.
"We do not have enough available troops to win a ground war (or to handle predictable flare-ups in such places as Baghdad and Fallujah, and one doubts European powers have the will to send hundreds of thousands of their finest into harm's way. After all, we're not fighting a territorially ambitious ideology, such as Nazism or Communism.
"If this is a war to save face, we ought to get in and out quickly. This is not a satisfactory way to resolve the ongoing horror of anti-American terrorism, but it's a much better option than throwing our young men and women into a battle we don't know how to fight or intend to win."