The Most Powerful Smell in News.

The Most Powerful Smell in News.

We Put the BS in BIAS.

28 June 2003
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Operation Desert Beeyotch Kicks Off Secretary Ricklesfeld Announces Latest Campaign Newt Priggish Secretary of Defense, Donald Ricklesfeld, has announced America will capitalize on the preponderance of minorities in today's Army by launching into Operation Desert Beeyotch, the next phase of the ~~war~~ police action in Iraq. Utilizing illegally modified Uzi machine guns, commercial-grade spray paint, and 1970s-era "hoopdee" cars, platoons of five to eight men will be ordered to protect certain blocks of certain Iraqi cities. However, this action has apparently upset several anti-patriotic conservative-hating activist groups in America, and abroad. It's an historically proven fact that the greatest of stagnatists are often misunderstood by the more commonplace practitioners of intellectualism and progress. Unfortunately, once the communist pinko historical "scientists" (as if history and science have anything to do with one another!), men who think they can look back at a time and be more objective about it, get ahold of the stories of history's great but misunderstood stagnatists, pioneers such as J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy, the sad but true underestimations and maladaptations of their contemporaries all but vanish under the weight of the latest flavor of neo-Soviet revisionism, only to be replaced via the simplistic process of horse manure widely referred to as the dialectic. Oh, sure, we all knew that anyway, but why, then, does this phenomenon not become an archaity of 'good' (read, bad) times past, instead of persisting, with the tenacity of my love-handles, as it does? The question, naturally, seems rudimentary enough, and the answer is within our grasp, though it never ceases to bear repeating: the slow and deliberate elimination of liberal thought presents for us a lengthy road indeed, but one has but to recall the steadfastness of great minds like John Adams and Herbert Hoover from which to derive inspiration. One quite modern-day (but Hooveresque) stagnatist personality graced the news' headlines all last week - Mr. Secretary of Defense Donald Ricklesfeld, as you all surely know, for nothing more than the performance of his unforgiving duty of telling it like it is. Sadly the liberals don't seem much to enjoy being informed of the truth, but such is the way of our lugubrious world. Mr. Ricklesfeld stated that we as a nation should happily accept one or two deaths per day among American soldiers currently deployed to Iraq. This, Mr. Ricklesfeld reminded us, is a lesser rate than most of our soldiers would have been exposed to were they still tramping the streets of Los Angeles or Washington, D.C. After all, as many of you know, the great majority of our military men are enlisted men; this is true for all six (lest we forget the Homeland Defense Department!) branches of our military machine. Furthermore, Mr. Ricklesfeld has so insightfully pointed out, most of the men being exposed to the still-active Iraqi terrorist cells today are Army enlisted men, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots: these young black and hispanic men were all - without a doubt - gang members prior to joining up. As such Mr. Ricklesfeld has deemed the time nigh to begin a new campaign exploiting these young men's abilities, and encouraging them to see around their fears just as they might have when they were certainly performing nightly drive-by's on rival gang members "Operation Desert Beeyotch shows a lot of promise," Secretary Ricklesfeld assured me, "these young punks are used to killing this way, and now they won't be pussies when it comes to tramping the streets of Baghdad, Fallujah, or anywhere else we send them to slime." To enhance the experience Mr. Ricklesfeld has authorized a shipment of Eminem and Ludacris CDs to the region. "You know how those people like to dance," he quipped. Newt Priggish is a self-made multi-millionaire whose rote-memorization skills far outweigh the remainder of his collective mental faculties. Newt's mysterious ability to convert everyday coal into diamonds is still a well-guarded family secret. After using his political office to punish immoral bastards like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, Newt decided to move on to TV, where each day one can marvel at his ability to pass off another bout of passively aggressive 'Divide and Conquer' caveats - typically fictional in nature, as in, "Uh-oh! The progressives are fighting amongst themselves!" - as concern. Newt is currently working hard on the third affair of his fifth marriage.	Visit Our Sponsors Faux Bios Billow O'Really? Shemp Hammity Faux & Friends Judge Antony Diminutivo Dog Chow Moper Brit Gunray Neil Calzone Shitturd Smith The Boilerplate Boys John Glibsome Geraldo Betrayo Snow Boy Ass Man Newt Priggish
Yoko Ono PUNK'D Wins Bird Call Contest Thinking it's a Concert Brit Gunray Yoko Ono, famous widow of Beatle John Lennon, is the latest victim of MTV's newest entry into reality television, PUNK'D. With a theme comfortably filling in the void between Candid Camera and Professional Wrestling, the hit TV Show PUNK'D specializes in playing practical jokes on Hollywood celebrities. Thinking it was a benefit for orphans, Ms. Ono happily agreed to perform a few songs from her latest album titled Ai gGi'ona 'Shi'hn for approximately 3,000 onlookers. The set-up was impeccable, said Roy Jimmerson of MTV, as neither the crowd nor Ms. Ono had any idea what was going on. Another auspicious sign, said Jimmerson, was that no one from the crowd recognized Ms. Ono, even after she spoke of her late husband, mentioning him twice by name. After meekly entering the stage Ms. Ono told the audience "thank you for coming," and launched into a 45-second piece called HAI!!. Before she could segue into her next song the crowd "went nuts," said Delmar Luquette of Slidell, Louisiana. A mere three weeks before the event Luquette had arranged the practical joke with the producers of PUNK'D. Once the nature of the joke became obvious to Ms. Ono, things got a little strange. "She ran off the stage yelling something in Chinese," said Jimmerson, "and the audience just clapped even louder!" Shortly thereafter Ms. Ono was nowhere to be found. Once the cheering subsided Jimmerson explained the situation to a disoriented (no pun intended) crowd of 3,011 birdcall enthusiasts. Delmar and Luquette want Ms. Ono to know "it was all in fun," but Yoko's press agent is ignoring the two. "That's too bad," says Delmar, "because it was the best Sharp-Tailed Grouse any of us'd ever heard." Brit Gunray began his career in journalism as a newspaper in 1974, in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Since that time Gunray has covered expensive table tops, penthouse window panes, and a number of other important objects throughout his career. A dignified and gracious Changeling, Gunray served as an ABC News conference room doorknob for 25 years. He was later promoted to a hill, and came to work for FOX, where he is now a regular panel in the Green Room. Seeking all corners of creation, Brit strives to crush the natives of the freedom-loving planet, Liberalis. No champion of open-mindedness, Brit patrols the atmosphere of progress, smartly zapping anyone and everyone who reaches it. His Daily Denunciation can be heard every day on WNUTS 450 AM Talk Radio. FLASH!!! FOX Looking for Talent Preferably Someone With an Expert Knee-Jerk Reflex Audiences Love Nervous, but Sissy-like Emotional Outbursts Like Those of Michael Weiner-Savage FOX is looking for talent! If you're incapable of controlling your emotional outbursts, if you mistake stagnation for stability, if you possess an internal bitterness, and can wield it vocally, if you're great at yelling at without actually listening to your philosophical opponents, then this might be your golden opportunity! Click here for details.	*American Traitors* The Card Game Because cheap beer ought to taste cheap.�
AOL's New Broad Band Offers 500% More Pop-Up Ads Faster Virus Infections, Quicker Punt-Offs Gretel Von Clusternen You know, I was on my desktop PC one evening, enjoying some time online, when my significant other told me, "Hey, you should use that thing for more than just chat rooms. Why don't you look around the internet for awhile?" ROFLMAO!!! What a newbie! Not only was it was the dumbest thing he's ever said, but when he showed me what he meant with some horrible "browser" thingie program, AOL promptly told us that the internet was jammed. You know, something like We're sorry, you cannot access the internet at this time, and comforted us by reminding us that we could remain on AOL, despite the traffic jams everywhere else online. Seriously, AFAICT, no other internet company is going to do that for you! Whenever I'm chatting and I think about it, I check the othernet (i.e., since anything outside of AOL is useless, it should be called the othernet am I right? [VBG]), and more times than not it's too jammed to visit! I just don't know how non-AOL users do it. Now, my dear man told me some liberal-sounding hooey like "there's a difference between ten thousand chat rooms and the actual internet," but I know he's rationalizing. Seriously, what else is there to do on a computer except for chatting and looking at porn? And I certainly don't think my hubby needs porn, being married to me and all! ;) But when he talks about other internet properties, like "connection speed" and "bandwidth," well - it turns out, a guy told me in a techie chat room - my husband was right! AOL was behind the so-called power curve on those things! :o Well, turns out he's not going to be right for long.^5 The good news, my fellow regz, is that AOL is coming out with a Broad Rubberband, or something like that, and it's supposed to fix all the areas where AOL has lately been behind the times! Just think of all the stuff on AOL that would benefit from more-speed... more pop-ups! Faster instant messages! You could see what rooms your buddies go to... a whole lot quicker than before! And the best of all - quicker chatting (is this possible? OMG!)! If this new "Broad" AOL is what my husband means my "high-speed," then once the new version is released I don't think he'll have any more excuses to avoid the greatest thing since padded bras - A.O.L.! >^..^< Gretel's previous career as mild-mannered house frau changed abruptly when FOX lured her away from CNN with a ~~pricey facelif...~~much needed image revision. FOX knew her talents as an ~~aggressive woman would find their niche once we dumped the loopy Coulter~~ attorney would benefit the organization greatly. Gretel has contributed to important cases and as an attorney she won trials. Plural. She played a crucial role in other stuff, for which she earned awards created specifically to inflate her surgically diminished ego. A graduate with honors of a major university, Gretel is indeed a rare conservative. Von Clusternen frequently wins awards only won by 70% to 80% of her peers.

Homicide Bomber Kills Only Self President Struggles For a Term to Describe the Man E.Z. Hillman President Bush is still struggling with how to describe a man whose homicide bombing attempt failed to kill anyone but himself. A collection of experts and the President are actively working together to resolve this problem. The latest word is that Mr. Bush favors "self-homicide" and "self-inflicted-killifying" over "auto-homicide" - as suggested by Karl Rove - because, "he says the car was never alive," an anonymous White House source told FOX. FOX has also learned that the President is in high spirits, frequently adding a dose of his light-hearted humor to the otherwise heavy discussions. His principle concern, said the source, is that, "someone really oughtta come up with a word for this type of thing." The confusion began when, on Tuesday, a Palestinian man armed with a car bomb failed to accomplish his goal of killing several Israeli soldiers at a check point in the Golan Heights. The would-be homicide bomber's plan was to remain inside the explosive-rigged automobile and detonate the vehicle just as he drove past the Israeli military men. However, as luck would have it, he had improperly set up the detonation timer, and as a result only the driver himself was killed. According to reports the Palestinian man had been planning the bombing for several days, but had not fully learned how to calibrate the timer. "Thank God for incompetentness," said President Bush, "now, let's just figure out a way to label this evil man and get on with our lives." Bush's Economy Stronger Than Clinton's So Why Are All the "Experts" Complaining? Neil Calzone I love this big old country. Every time I think about people who actually speak out against its leaders I get a tear in my eye because it's just... so very wrong. To speak out against a nation's Republican leaders is not only wrong but it's, dammit, I must say it, it's outright unpatriotic. One thing a lot of naysayers like to harp on is the ailing economy, and how going to war in conjunction with a minuscule tax cut just isn't economically wise. But I think it's my patriotic duty to point out that this is not only different from my personal views, but it's also wrong. As an American patriot I love money. I mean, who doesn't, right? I get into analyses of market trends and various indicators of our Union's economic health. It's every red-blooded American man and woman's right to keep an eye on these things, and I think I'm highly qualified to point out something strange. Strange, indeed. I'm not sure how many of these obnoxious, pontificating jerkwad, self-absorbed, condescending imbeciles know it, but our economy is actually healthier now than it was at the same point during Clinton's "Presidency." Keep reading, friends, and I'll show you why: Three major indicators of a nation's economy are Unemployment Rates, Dow Jones Industrial Averages, and the Budget's Deficit/Surplus. If we run the numbers, we can see a surprising trend in unemployment rates and Dow Jones Averages since 1988: How about that? Now, and I'm going to try to get this out without getting choked up about how very un-American and inherently evil it is to doubt these figures but, I ask you: does anyone else, besides we here at FOX, speak so positively about an economy that is, well, to be frank, vibrant and alive? I think not! Now, and here comes the clincher, but the biggest economic concern of anyone whose opinions are correct, like mine, is the budget. We all learned during the greatest days of that heroic American Ronald Reagan about how very important running a budget surplus is. And we nearly saw our entire country crumble during the days of deficit-happy Bill Clinton. But the question that should beat in the proud, manly American red-blooded heart is: how is that budget looking today? Charts have been inverted for clarity I rest my case. I think the numbers speak for themselves. And I say unto any traitor who dares question the competence of our manly, American, red-blooded and heroic Republican administration, "go to hell you scum-sucking, intellectual, communist-loving, money-hating pig!" Neil Calzone is a red-blooded, pre-pubescent, American man/boy who enjoys croquet, doughnuts, and Norman Rockwell paintings. He's a firm advocate of individualism, except when others are involved, and steadfastly holds such controversial stances as flag-waving patriotism and absolute conformity. Vice President of the Buffalo Chapter for the Falsettic Articulation Guild, Neil is still working on lowering the pitch of his voice.	Recommended reading:
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