Terror Threat Level Raised to "Let's Terrorize Our Citizens" "HIGH"
Tom Ridge Doing Everything He Can to Ensure America Terrorized Alarmed Vigilant
My Interview with the Secretary of Homeland Defense
                                                                                                          Tony Blows





The nation is now on Terror Alert Level "Orange."  That's the next-to-highest level, the almost-red one.  Because
red is fire, and fire is bad.  

Last week Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge made the decision to raise the threat level a notch.  Upon
realizing that he, himself, was personally terrorized at the prospect of another 9/11-type attack occurring over
the holiday season, he took action.  

"I'm constantly thinking, 'boy, it'd really be bad for my reputation if another September 11th happened on my watch,'"
he confided.  With obvious concern for his fellow Americans Mr. Ridge took many things into consideration.

"Knowing we don't have the first clue what or who or when... it's especially tough to enjoy the holidays with my family
and friends, you know?  I mean, I was losing a lot of sleep and stuff, so I figured, 'ah, what the hell.  Better safe than
sorry,' right?" continued Mr. Ridge.  "We are the United States, so I thought 'let everyone share this sense of fear!'"

As for any detection of an actual threat, Secretary Ridge chuckled for a moment then regained his composure
before replying, "Dear Tony, the Great Savior Jesus of Nazareth is due any moment now.  That's reason enough to
cry 'wolf' from time to time."

Regarding his own peace of mind since the alert level changed, Mr. Ridge said, "You know what?  I'm having a
pretty good time this JesusChristIsGodMas, after all."

MAD COW: Infected Livestock Came from Canada
Therefore, Administration Plans to Invade Liberate Greenland from its Mad Cows
                                                                                           "Shaky" Dennis Miller


I got a prollem, cha, with all these liberal nutbag commie whiners who don't know how to formulate an argument
outside of shouting "NAZI" every time they feel the fight-or-flight urge comin' on.  I mean, they're not exactly
masters of confrontation, if ya catch my drift, cha cha.

Put it this way, honey - socialist commie left-wing degenerate liberals are more likely to run and hide than the
Elephant Man at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion the night Kodak and Canon are sponsoring the Super Bowl
halftime gala directly from poolside, chaaaa...

So it shouldn't come as a real shock that I could find no one to debate my observation that the Mad Cow scare is
entirely a Bill Clinton problem.  After all, cha, Clinton allowed Canadian cows to enter this country as freely as he
allows his zipper to be operated by hired help, cha cha.  You catch my drift when I say, 'freely'?  How freely?  Let
me put it this way - more freely than Bill Clinton allows his zipper... ah... hmm.  Already said that, didn't I?

Now, before you dismiss me more quickly than an openly gay Arab in a Full Metal Jacket-like boot camp training
environment, think about what I'm sayin here, darling.  Bill Clinton and his open-minded staff allowed every sort
of livestock, from Mad Cows to Pissed Pigs, to just traipse on in, as if they owned the place.  Catch my meaning,
cha cha?

It's fairly apparent what's going on with these mad cows, honey, and herein lies the focus of my argument:

A few years back, Billy boy lobbed a couple dozen cruise missiles at an aspirin factory in Afghanistan.  I'll forego
explaining why, cha, because that's as integral to modern history as the atom is to atomic physics... got it,
sweetie pie?

Well, that factory - despite being nearly obliterated - continued its activities for a couple years after the air
strikes. Eventually the pill mill was sold to a Saddam McGregor, businessman and overall non-Christian evil guy
from Greenland, who happens to have family ties to France, a miserable little place that happened to defecate
from its collective sphincter that minor distraction to the north of us, Canada.  Whence came the pissed bovines,
you following me, cha cha?

Pretty scary, the directness of those ties, is it not?

After relocating the factory to Greenland, McGregor refurbished much of his machinery to produce Bovine
Spongiform Encephalopathy, a.k.a. Mad Cow Disease, for the express purpose of dispatching the unkillable
affliction across the border, into the United States.

Thanks to Bill Clinton and his disease-appeasing ways, we now have our first case of Mad Cow Disease.

Clearly, cha cha, I've now come - full-circle - to the argument to which no liberal commie socialist scumbag fagboy
friend of mine (neither of them) seems to care to attempt a respectable response.

Mad Cow Disease is wholly the fault of liberal policies, cha.  Just as much as is everything else wrong with our
nation, cha cha.  No doubt many of us stagnatists will capitalize on this theme, writing and publishing books ad
nauseum repeating the same ridiculou... I mean sound theory.

Nevertheless, with God's (and Rupert Murdoch's) help, we will be able to turn back the tide of this nasty,
unkillable disease.  Our pending action in the northern Atlantic is a fine start, and anyone who questions the
president's decision to inva... er, liberate Greenland is surely a feminazi, homosexual, communist liberal.  Cha.

I'm outta here.

2 MINUTE REMINDER: THERE ARE TERRORISTS PLANNING TO KILL YOU!!
DON'T EVER FORGET THIS!!!  WE WIN IF WE OBSESS AND REMAIN TERRORIZED!

Schwarzenegger: Recent Earthquakes and Mudslides Justify Tax Hikes
Estimates Damage at $14 Trillion

                                                                                                 Shitturd Smith

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is now ready to abrogate his earlier vow to hold California state
residents to no new taxes.  There have been disasters.  Lots of them.

"Tank Gott I preevinted duh investigashunts of sexual harrassment against mee," quipped Governor
Schwarzenegger Friday.  "Den I vouldn't eefen haf money to tell the Fatherlan.. state about my new tax increeeses."

Estimating the damages created by recent natural events at $14.3 trillion, Schwarzenegger has what he thinks
is a tax table capable of putting the state back in order.

"State taxes vill be rayeezed to seventy-fife percent for peeeple with incomes less than forty tousant per year.  From
dat point the tayeeble vill be stepped down to the lowest tax rates - two und a haff per cent - for folks with $20
millions in assets or more," explained Mr. Schwarzennegger.  "Dis vill result in haff a billion dollars refenew by the
endt uff 2006."

Books and other "educational materials" will also be hit heavily by the revised model, says Schwarzenegger, as
well as providers of alternate energy and hybrid/electric automobiles.  "Vee shud giff up on all dat stuff," laughed
the governor.  "Nawbotty beleefs in any of diss tings ennee-more."

Lazy Negro Quarterbacks Threaten White Man's Ultimate Dominion Over Pigskin
NFL Still Cowering to Liberal Influence
This Playoff Season Will be a Joke
                                                                                                                                      Mark Führer

I know he was right.  You know he was right.  Even old watermelon chewin' Donovan McNabb knows he was
right.

Yet there is still enough liberal influence in the media to dismiss Rush Limbaugh's assessment of the Philadelphia
Eagles' quarterback, and the media in general, as "idiotic."

For all you Polaks, whose brains aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer, all you Wetbacks, whose attention
spans are shorter than a fat Chink's dick, and Faggots, who probably don't watch a whole lot of sports anyways
(except figure skating, and tennis, maybe) let me refresh your memory.

Rush Limbaugh, the great truth seeker that he is (and by the way, everybody knows he's being framed on that
Oxymoron thing), said in September that McNabb's status was entirely facilitated by the liberal media, who so
passionately desire that a black quarterback do well that they regularly give black QBs, like Kordell Stewart, a
total pass, even when these negro boys perform miserably.

And yes, the media have pulled it off.  This year, like every year, the media has thrusted a handful of talentless,
stupid, and godawful lazy niggers into the NFL spotlight.  No less than four quarterbacks in the playoffs this
season will be colored boys.

And that's a damned shame.

Don't get me wrong.  I think all spear-chuckers should have the same rights we humans enjoy.  But in the realm
of professional sports I think they should "make it" on their own merits, and not via some vast, left-wing media
conspiracy.

If we could actually put the talented quarterbacks on the field, then we'd be seeing a lot more action. The games
are typically boring, actionless, and determined well before the final whistle.  More obvious dives than Gerry
Cooney letting Larry Holmes "beat him" in 1982.

What gets to me, and makes the whole thing so obvious, is just how goddammed lazy these tarbaby QBs are.  I
mean, everybody knows how lazy niggers are, anyways, but it astounds the mind to see most sports fans look
the other way while witnessing such deviance taking place.

I miss the good old days.  Days when the blacks played basketball, the spics played with bulls, and real
Americans played football and baseball.  How have we let the New York Times and the Washington Post do this
to what was once a great race's sport?

At least we still got hockey and NASCAR.  And guns.

2 MINUTE REMINDER: THERE ARE TERRORISTS PLANNING TO KILL YOU!!
DON'T EVER FORGET THIS!!!  WE WIN IF WE OBSESS AND REMAIN TERRORIZED!

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