SADDAM CATCHED!

                                                                                                  Special Report by Shemp Hannity

   "An Majer Victery in the War on Tererrism!"

Thats exatly what it is.  Yep, its my distint pleasure to anounce to you that we have winned won of the greatest victerys in
the War on Terirrism.  Now we can all relax and have a good JesusChristIsGodMas knowing we cacthed the mastermind
behind the atacks of Setember 11th 2001 - we have catched Sadam Hussien!

I know all New Yourkers will slep good to-night.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah haha.  I just wont to look in the eyes of all them neighsayers and tell theme we done it.  IN despit
of what they tolled us we done it.  HAR HARAEDE HAAR AHAR HARH!!!  We have defeated the most evelist TERRORROSIST
this county has seen sinse TOHMAS JEFERSSON!  HEA HAE  AHA HAS AHA AHA H!!  I lov it.

At least we didn't do what the liberel eletes wanted us to do - go after some obsure little orginization call "Al Kayda" in
some unkown country call "Afganistine."  That woulda been a wasted of time, for sure.

Yep, all this time the liberel eletes has told us we couldn't never catch Sadam Hussien.  Now, you gotta admit we all
knowed that if we ever catched him it would be a great victery - of course the Holywood eletes even knowed this and gotta
admit that we done a great thing by catching him.  We all knowed that if we ever catched Hussien it would mean a great
victery in the War of Terirrism.

Best of all, we have beated the evil man behind the atacks of 91-1!

Thank God for Gorge Bush W Jr., whom tell us all the while that if we catched Sadam Hussein we'd be about 85% of the
way done with the war on Terrrirism.  You know what that means... only twenty percent to go!

Once we got Arrafat we'll be all done.  Clame victery and depart the feild.  Horaey!

President Superbly Announces Capture of Hussein
Twice Recites Six Words Without Referring Back to Teleprompter
                                                                                                                                                           Dork Levin



On Sunday President Bush announced to the world that the War on Terror is a major step closer to completion: we've
captured Saddam Hussein.

Everyone affected by the attacks of September 11, 2001 can sleep a lot easier now that we've nabbed the number one
man behind that dreadful day.  And realizing this, the president was understandably overjoyed when videotaping his
speech for the nation.  In fact, his high spirits translated into something quite rare indeed: normally averaging 2.2 words
per phrase per speech, Mr. Bush almost doubled that figure by averaging 4.2 words per breath.

Being a humble, thoughtful, and down-to-earth man, the president's "words per phrase per speech" average is the lowest
seen in years.  By way of comparison,  the thoughtless Bill Clinton was known to recite thousands of words before
referring back to his notes.

By "words per phrase per speech" I'm referring to the standard by which professional speech writers and political
observers measure a person's ability to read a string of words before referring back to his teleprompter.  Twice Sunday Mr.
Bush unleashed six-word flurries, specifically, "this afternoon I have a message" and "that the violence will not end."

Mr. Bush was told at around 5:45 a.m. Sunday morning about the capture, after which the White House staff established a
six-hour window with which to prepare and present the world with an appropriate speech by Mr. Bush.

"Editing and final production normally take us only about half an hour," our source told us, "but it's getting Mr. Bush to
read everything correctly - that's a real pain in the (body part).  We figured about four or five tries until he gets everything
right, but this one he got on the third try!"

Previewing the Iraqi Constitution
Iraqis Face Lesser Rights Under Lesser "god"
                                                                                                                                   Clem Tiddle


Now that they've been freed, the Iraqi sandmonkeys will sooner or later be faced with creating a new of laws
and regulations.

Among other things keeping them scurrying around like the dirty arabic monkeys they are, the newly liberated
Iraqi people are in the process of putting together a constitution that will provide the moral and legal
foundation for the future of their nation. To some this step seems to be coming a little too soon - maybe three
or four hundred years too soon - and to most this is a downright scary proposition.

The focus of concern for people worried about Iraq and its new constitution are those certain inalienable rights
bestowed upon all Americans by Almighty God Himself. You know, the right to bear guns and so forth. It's not
difficult to see why some people are pretty frightened at the possibility of Iraqi folks finding themselves in
possession of the same God-given rights we Americans possess.

But to them I say, that'd be true... only if the Iraqis have got the one and only true God on their side. Which
they don't, of course.

Take a deep breath, and consider the difference between inalienable rights, as bestowed by the righteous,
Almighty Christian God, and the puny rights a false god is limited to providing for the Iraqi people:

So, friends, as you see, with a phony "god" under their belts, the Iraqi people have very little to look forward
to, although I suppose it's more than they've ever had before.




          Clem Tiddle is the world's most intelligent, righteous, and thought-provoking
          journalist on God's great planet Earth. He questions the validity of progress,
          usually promoting the elimination of evil "progress," such as Chemistry, Biology,
          and Heliocentrism.  Favoring a full return to Inquisitional methodology, Clem
          is heard daily, by over 920 million listeners, on WNUTS 450 A.M.

Limbaugh to publish new book this Spring.

"He's not arrogant at all!" - Bernie Dimberg

"He's really really very unique." - Shemp Hannity

"There is absolutely no spin in this man's books whatsoever,
mkay?  Besides, ya gotta respect a guy whose radio ratings
continuously succumb to mine." - Billow LIE 'ly

Paul Bremer Not Really Always on the Verge of Tears
He just naturally looks that way
                                                                            Carl Stammerin

Seldom have I been lucky enough to interview an Ambassador, so when
I was given the assignment of speaking with Paul Bremer, Presidential
Envoy to Iraq, I was thrilled.

Shortly after landing at Baghdad International Airport, I met with Mr.
Bremer to discuss the current situation over some tea and scones.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Ambassador, how are you?" I asked.