Just in Time For JesusChristIsGodMas!
At www.Bill O'Reilly's Liver Spot Registry.com, you will find
the perfect OnlyPost-JewishMonotheistsKnowMas Gift
for Granny. Yes, your loved ones can have their very own,
copyrighted names assigned to a great man's liver spots!
For a small donation of $75.00 you can name an actual
liver spot on Bill O'Reilly's body! For an additional $25.00
you will receive a fabulous parchment certificate, and for a
measly $150.00 that certificate will be custom framed and
personally signed by Bill himself!
For details, click here.
A Good Ass-Beating
And I Took it Like a Man
David Assman
Recently it was my distinct pleasure to be bitch-slapped by a real man. NO, not by the ultra-manly
Neil Cavuto, nor by the perspicacious John Glug-Glug Gibson, No, no no...
I'm talking about the Honorable General Wesley Clark - you know, that guy none of us neocons
want running for president next year, the guy who could draw more middle ground than Dick Cheney
draws flies, the guy who takes away the president's biggest fake issue???
By "fake" issue, I'm of course, being facetious. Because we all know Mr. George Bush would easily
out-military any man, even a retired four-star general. Ahem.
But... ah, er, you see - I was simply trying to ask the general a question given to me by Rupert
Murdoch himself. It was a very straightforward question, not contrived in any sort of way that might
hint at something ugly under its surface.
Click the screen to your right
for a look-see! If the video is
not available on FOX News
anymore then the clip has
become, like so much else
from our dubious past, what
we like to call "urban legend."
Boy oh boy, did I have a great time discussing the event in my Masochists Anonymous meeting last
night! Sheer, masturbatory glorious ecstasy!
Prior to joining FOX, David ASSman served as bathroom attendant at the prestigious Wall Street Journal
for over a decade. By the time he'd parted ways with the Journal, ASSman had become a full-time
employee, a connoisseur of scatology, and in 1999 won both the "Daily Graffiti Cleaner" and "Corn Pickers
Bazaar" awards.
Still considered one of the nation's best toiletry distributors in the New York City metropolitan area, David
still haunts his old stomping grounds, frequently sticking his nose "right back into the midst of things,"
as he puts it.
Ann Coulter Nearly Cured
Advanced Yeast Infection Treatment Working
Neil Cavuto
Doctors at Johns Hopskins in Baltimore, Maryland, have announced they've nearly eliminated the persistent
infection that has plagued Ann Coulter for nearly twenty-five years now. Her condition has been much more
troublesome than most cases of Yeast Infection, said her doctor.
Fred Thompson, long time companion of Coulter, confirmed for FOX that "the smell is indeed tolerable," after a
brief visit to the men's room with Coulter himself.
On the condition of anonymity Dr. Rudolph Yankit told FOX,
"we've nearly eliminated the root of the cause. And once the
urinary problem is eliminated," he said, "we've got to figure
out what to do about her brain."
The infection reached Coulter's brain "sometime in the
eighties," said Dr. Yankit.
Coulter, a veritable man among men, insists the medical
experts are perpetuating a liberal conspiracy, and regularly
needs to be fooled into returning for medical care.
"Those bastards can suck my dick!" exclaimed the often-colorful Coulter.
See? It's okay to be an effeminate powderpuff if you can feign... or rather EXPRESS your
patriotism once in a while! Whiny but nasal, Neil is host of the boyish but mediocre show Neil's Deals.
A truly patriotic and manly man of manly men, Neil is president and founder of the Buffalo chapter of
the Falsettic Articulation Guild (F.A.G.). WHatever you do, don't look at his neck! He'll kick your ass
in no time flat!
Neil is still working on lowering the pitch of his voice.
