| Condoleezza Rice Makes 14 TV and 34 Radio Appearances to Explain How She Doesn't Have to Explain Herself A charismatic and devilishly handsome Dr. Rice tells Oprah Winfrey just how trivial and unimportant Richard Clarke's claims really are. "For this very reason the White House has completely focused all its time and energy disputing what Clarke is saying," screamed a level-headed Rice. |
| The Best of FOX News Political Satire, Page 2 |
All images, music, ideas, and nonsense herein © P. Thompson Original Faux News Logo © 2001 (read it and weep) 'Spinner' Logo © 2003; 'Swastika' Logo © 2005 This hilarious, political satire-rich web site -- chock full of full political parody -- is in no way associated with the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume, Tony Snow, Oliver North, Geraldo Rivera, John Gibson, FOX & Friends, Greta von Susteren, or any other part of the idiotic Fox News Channel. All material herein is intended as parody. Similarities in format or "personnel" are satirical. If you're looking for a good, old-fashioned beat-down, sue away, you conservative wing nut. I could use the material. Contact me |
 |
Mt. Cheney Erupts
LOUDON COUNTY - Scientists continue to keep a
watchful eye on Mount Dick Cheney Sunday after
government officials acknowledged an elevation in the
blowhard's depravity.
Despite the danger posed by patroling near the raging
monstrosity, officials continue to evacuate nearby
residents.
LOUDON COUNTY - Scientists continue to keep a
watchful eye on Mount Dick Cheney Sunday after
government officials acknowledged an elevation in the
blowhard's depravity.
Despite the danger posed by patroling near the raging
monstrosity, officials continue to evacuate nearby
residents.
TRIANGLE, VA - Intelligence sources confirm the Federal Bureau of Investigations has neglected
to translate more than 174 hours of insightful and pertinent terrorism-related speeches given
by Tony Blair over the past two years.
According to President Bush, the translations are "valuable - in other words, they're worth a lot
to me - in other words, I like them."
An independent, nonpartisan, Fair and Balanced® FOX News study shows that the primary
cause for this delay is a computer program which was undoubtedly written by some liberal,
egghead wack job.
to translate more than 174 hours of insightful and pertinent terrorism-related speeches given
by Tony Blair over the past two years.
According to President Bush, the translations are "valuable - in other words, they're worth a lot
to me - in other words, I like them."
An independent, nonpartisan, Fair and Balanced® FOX News study shows that the primary
cause for this delay is a computer program which was undoubtedly written by some liberal,
egghead wack job.
| FBI Feverishly Translating Blair Transcripts for President Bush |
| Bush awaiting translation |
| UBL Releases Third |
| Hurricane Ivan: Grave and Gathering Danger Not expected to become an imminent threat |
Condescending Liberals Don't Realize the President Knows
What's Best for Iraq
WASHINGTON - What does it take for today's left wingers to realize their ideas are
incongruous with the state of the world as a pseudo-American corporate
conglomeration?
We're in a war we can't... excuse me for misspeaking... a war we CAN win, against
terrorism, and the liberal ways of yore are no longer relevant to those genuinely
interested in cultivating the budding growth in international support George Bush's
policies have nurtured.
I pine for the day when the condescension will cease.
-Brit Hume
What's Best for Iraq
WASHINGTON - What does it take for today's left wingers to realize their ideas are
incongruous with the state of the world as a pseudo-American corporate
conglomeration?
We're in a war we can't... excuse me for misspeaking... a war we CAN win, against
terrorism, and the liberal ways of yore are no longer relevant to those genuinely
interested in cultivating the budding growth in international support George Bush's
policies have nurtured.
I pine for the day when the condescension will cease.
-Brit Hume
| "I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE" Keynote Speaker Zell Miller writhes and shrieks in calm, pragmatic fashion. |
| Flash! Hume Smiles Alert FOX News viewers were treated to a most unusual site today: Brit Hume, showing he can still smile with the best of them. To the surprise of his fans, Hume flashed his unbiased, Fair and Balanced smile this evening while reading the line "He'll step down on November 15." |
| Military Flunkies Willing to Slander John Kerry |
Liberal Reporter's Defense of
Richard Clarke Laughable
The shameless man behind "The McLaughlin Group"
had the nerve to invite Pat Buchanan onto his
political show this weekend.
What is normally an ultra-liberal pundit panel
became downright communist as left-winger
Buchanan got in a couple of potshots at the
current administration's expense.
"The cancer (of terrorism) has been
metastasized by our invasion of Iraq," and
"(Iraq) was not a necessary war," shouted
the unhinged Communist.
Richard Clarke Laughable
The shameless man behind "The McLaughlin Group"
had the nerve to invite Pat Buchanan onto his
political show this weekend.
What is normally an ultra-liberal pundit panel
became downright communist as left-winger
Buchanan got in a couple of potshots at the
current administration's expense.
"The cancer (of terrorism) has been
metastasized by our invasion of Iraq," and
"(Iraq) was not a necessary war," shouted
the unhinged Communist.
| Traitor Did Exactly as He Was Told Memo wherein Richard Clarke wrote precisely what he was told to write proves he's a liar. |
Curmudgeonly convict and failed Nixon henchman G.
Gordon Liddy suffered a reality attack late last night.
Feeling a dull pain in his chest Liddy became
momentarily aware that he is not God.
Despite initial concerns the symptoms arose from a
heart condition, the pain subsided once Liddy took a
popular antacid.
Experts attribute the momentary bout of cognizance to
a late meal of particularly spicy enchiladas, and
predicted Gordon will not again suffer a dose of
realistic self-esteem for "at least another decade."
Gordon Liddy suffered a reality attack late last night.
Feeling a dull pain in his chest Liddy became
momentarily aware that he is not God.
Despite initial concerns the symptoms arose from a
heart condition, the pain subsided once Liddy took a
popular antacid.
Experts attribute the momentary bout of cognizance to
a late meal of particularly spicy enchiladas, and
predicted Gordon will not again suffer a dose of
realistic self-esteem for "at least another decade."
| Liddy Suffers Reality Attack |
| Less than half a week after delivering a stunning defense of the CIA's intelligence gathering abilities, Tenet is back to work, meeting with Lady Heroin to discuss Syria's WMDs. |
| GEORGE TENET's THE NO-SYNONYM ZONE |
| CIA Boss: "Grave, Gathering Danger" means nothing like "Imminent Threat." |
| ASSman Wipes Up Competition Putting his scatological skills to work, Faux News senior sludge researcher David ASSman won his fourth consecutive "Corn Pickers Bazaar" Award NYC. |
A Fond Farewell to Shaky Denny
Dennis Miller, affectionately known as "Shaky Denny," is
moving on.
This week the politically incorrect comedian moved to
another network.
We here at FOX don't hold it against him, and will
support his dwindling career every step of the way down
the proverbial ladder, which in 2006 will probably mean
post-midnight syndication on UPN.
Dennis Miller, affectionately known as "Shaky Denny," is
moving on.
This week the politically incorrect comedian moved to
another network.
We here at FOX don't hold it against him, and will
support his dwindling career every step of the way down
the proverbial ladder, which in 2006 will probably mean
post-midnight syndication on UPN.
| Shakes the Clown |
| Superbowl XXXVIII a Righteous Affair |
CBS was morally correct to keep moveon.org
from sponsoring Superbowl XXXVIII. "Thank God
we put on a clean show," one official sighed.
Rather than running despicable, amoral ads by
organizations like Moveon.org, CBS chose the
moral high ground.
The Superbowl's halftime show featured young
and virtuous pop icons yodeling, square dancing
and singing traditional folk songs.
from sponsoring Superbowl XXXVIII. "Thank God
we put on a clean show," one official sighed.
Rather than running despicable, amoral ads by
organizations like Moveon.org, CBS chose the
moral high ground.
The Superbowl's halftime show featured young
and virtuous pop icons yodeling, square dancing
and singing traditional folk songs.
Northeastern Liberals Should Just Shut Up and Nod
Vehicle-Assisted Murderers Who Won't Just Shut Up and Nod
Vehicle-Assisted Murderers Who Won't Just Shut Up and Nod
| by Bill O'Reilly |
I'm ridiculing somethin' in my mind, ah-kay? and because I'm bein' completely
objective right now, mright? that makes it The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day.
Now, I've been really busy for the past four months days out-selling Al Franken's
garbage with my latest piece of art, Who's Looking Down His Over-Picked Nose at
You? so I might be a little rusty here... knowhwatI'msayin'?
Ahright, so here's the deal about the president's State of the Union speech, mkay?
I've watched this thing five times already and I gotta say - I can't find a crack in it,
mmkay? Not a crack. I mean, I'm a pretty independent-minded guy and everything,
ahright? but Mr. Bush's speech was perfect. Umkay? And this is comin' from me - the
least Republican guy you'll ever meet.
Now LOOK: some of the noodle-brained pinheads in the Senate sat right there in
that room - what is it, Congress?
The Oval Office? Whatever. The Kennedy Center? You know what I'm sayin' - sat
right there, shakin' their heads, refusin' to obey the "Applause" sign, and everything
else, mkay? Just bein' what I like to call general jackasses, ahright?
continued below
objective right now, mright? that makes it The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day.
Now, I've been really busy for the past four months days out-selling Al Franken's
garbage with my latest piece of art, Who's Looking Down His Over-Picked Nose at
You? so I might be a little rusty here... knowhwatI'msayin'?
Ahright, so here's the deal about the president's State of the Union speech, mkay?
I've watched this thing five times already and I gotta say - I can't find a crack in it,
mmkay? Not a crack. I mean, I'm a pretty independent-minded guy and everything,
ahright? but Mr. Bush's speech was perfect. Umkay? And this is comin' from me - the
least Republican guy you'll ever meet.
Now LOOK: some of the noodle-brained pinheads in the Senate sat right there in
that room - what is it, Congress?
The Oval Office? Whatever. The Kennedy Center? You know what I'm sayin' - sat
right there, shakin' their heads, refusin' to obey the "Applause" sign, and everything
else, mkay? Just bein' what I like to call general jackasses, ahright?
continued below
| ADVERTISEMENT |
continued from above
The whole thing's just ridiculous, knowwhatI'msayin'? Absolutely ridiculous, mkay? to
sit there, shaking your head like you're a mad cow or something, and pretend the
president isn't delivering the greatest speech of his long political career.
Now I've got a word of advice for the Northeast liberals who ruined a great night -
you're wrong, mkay? Get used to it. You've acted like babies for the last time, and
we're not gonna take it, mkay? Simply not gonna take it anymore.
Especially from someone who thinks takin' a gal out means pushin' her off a bridge
on Chappaquiddick Island, mright?
The whole thing's just ridiculous, knowwhatI'msayin'? Absolutely ridiculous, mkay? to
sit there, shaking your head like you're a mad cow or something, and pretend the
president isn't delivering the greatest speech of his long political career.
Now I've got a word of advice for the Northeast liberals who ruined a great night -
you're wrong, mkay? Get used to it. You've acted like babies for the last time, and
we're not gonna take it, mkay? Simply not gonna take it anymore.
Especially from someone who thinks takin' a gal out means pushin' her off a bridge
on Chappaquiddick Island, mright?
Billow LIE 'ly grew up a poor black child in southeastern Detroit, Michigan,
where he frequently found himself ducking drive-by shootings and
various other assassination attempts. Beating all the odds, Billow
graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age
of eight, and entered the Marine Corps in 1969 at thirteen. LIE'ly fought
for sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, where he heroically
won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Medals of Honor. After
an injury prompted surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer
eligible for combat, so Billow reluctantly left the service to pursue a
career in journalism, where he has since won three Peabody Awards, a
Pulitzer Prize. Bill O Reilly, who never ever ever wears makeup (despite
what that lily-livered Hollywood elitist George Clooney says) is currently
being considered for his second Nobel.
where he frequently found himself ducking drive-by shootings and
various other assassination attempts. Beating all the odds, Billow
graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age
of eight, and entered the Marine Corps in 1969 at thirteen. LIE'ly fought
for sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, where he heroically
won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Medals of Honor. After
an injury prompted surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer
eligible for combat, so Billow reluctantly left the service to pursue a
career in journalism, where he has since won three Peabody Awards, a
Pulitzer Prize. Bill O Reilly, who never ever ever wears makeup (despite
what that lily-livered Hollywood elitist George Clooney says) is currently
being considered for his second Nobel.
| FLASH Ann Coulter Nearly Climaxes Three Viagra tablets, old Nixon tapes, and a Reagan mask - halfway there? |
| General Clark Should Be Thoroughly Ashamed There's a Difference Between Being a "Deserter" and "deserter" |
One of the darkest moments in recent history occurred in
Thursday night's Democratic debate in New Hampshire. Wesley
Clark refused to try to read the mind of Michael Moore, known
liberal fringe lunatic and author of Dude, Where's My Country?
In front of a large group of Clark supporters Michael Moore had
called the president, and I quote, "a Deserter." He didn't say
"deserter." He said, "Deserter."
I know what he said; I read the Closed Captioning stream.
More
Thursday night's Democratic debate in New Hampshire. Wesley
Clark refused to try to read the mind of Michael Moore, known
liberal fringe lunatic and author of Dude, Where's My Country?
In front of a large group of Clark supporters Michael Moore had
called the president, and I quote, "a Deserter." He didn't say
"deserter." He said, "Deserter."
I know what he said; I read the Closed Captioning stream.
More
by Brit Hume
| State of the Union: Karl Rove Prepares Another Batch of Lies Speech for the President Meanwhile, that really-fast talking guy you always hear in car ads has been hired to read a lengthy disclaimer before and after Tuesday night's speech. |
| A big fan of the powdered doughnut, Rove is frequently seen with white splotches on his uppermost chin. |
Paul Bremer Not Really Always on the Verge of Tears
He just naturally looks that way
by Carl Stammerin'
He just naturally looks that way
by Carl Stammerin'
Seldom have I been lucky enough to interview
an Ambassador, so when I was given the
assignment of speaking with Paul Bremer,
Presidential Envoy to Iraq, I was thrilled.
Shortly after landing at Baghdad Inter-
national Airport, I met with Mr. Bremer to
discuss the current situation over some tea
and scones.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Ambassador, how are
you?" I asked.
"I'm... I'm... I've got something in my eyes!" snapped the Ambassador. This cryptic
response was, no doubt, some sort of code for Mr. Bremer's security team, who
were diligently standing nearby (and doing a fine job of acting just as perplexed as
me). Ignoring the obvious, as I frequently do in the name of national security
issues, I pressed on:
Surely some humor would break the ice, I thought, so I asked, "Mr. Bremer, is it true
you're always on the verge of tears?"
"No! No! No! I... it's just... it's in my Finnish-Czech genes," he snapped back. "I
just naturally look that way!"
Obviously some more code-speak. Not missing a beat, I continued, "Mr. Bremer, are
you concerned for your safety?"
"It's in my genes, I'm telling you!" he repeated, apparently to ensure his security
specialists had gotten the coded message.
After a brief, but sufficient pause, I recommenced the interview: "Mr. Bremer, when
do you think it will be safe to...?"
(EDITOR'S NOTE: The remainder of this interview was canceled when Mr. Bremer "got
something" in his eye and ran from the room.)
an Ambassador, so when I was given the
assignment of speaking with Paul Bremer,
Presidential Envoy to Iraq, I was thrilled.
Shortly after landing at Baghdad Inter-
national Airport, I met with Mr. Bremer to
discuss the current situation over some tea
and scones.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Ambassador, how are
you?" I asked.
"I'm... I'm... I've got something in my eyes!" snapped the Ambassador. This cryptic
response was, no doubt, some sort of code for Mr. Bremer's security team, who
were diligently standing nearby (and doing a fine job of acting just as perplexed as
me). Ignoring the obvious, as I frequently do in the name of national security
issues, I pressed on:
Surely some humor would break the ice, I thought, so I asked, "Mr. Bremer, is it true
you're always on the verge of tears?"
"No! No! No! I... it's just... it's in my Finnish-Czech genes," he snapped back. "I
just naturally look that way!"
Obviously some more code-speak. Not missing a beat, I continued, "Mr. Bremer, are
you concerned for your safety?"
"It's in my genes, I'm telling you!" he repeated, apparently to ensure his security
specialists had gotten the coded message.
After a brief, but sufficient pause, I recommenced the interview: "Mr. Bremer, when
do you think it will be safe to...?"
(EDITOR'S NOTE: The remainder of this interview was canceled when Mr. Bremer "got
something" in his eye and ran from the room.)
| "Less Tolerance, More Air Strikes!" Iraqi Youths Rally Behind President Bush |
| Homicide Bomber Kills Only Self President Struggles For a Term to Describe the Man |
WASHINGTON - President Bush is still struggling with how to describe
a man whose homicide bombing attempt failed to kill anyone but
himself.
A collection of experts and the President are actively working
together to resolve this problem. The latest word is that Mr. Bush
favors "self-homicide" and "self-inflicted-killifying" over
"auto-homicide" - as suggested by Karl Rove - because "Bush insists
the car was never alive," an anonymous White House source told
FOX News.
a man whose homicide bombing attempt failed to kill anyone but
himself.
A collection of experts and the President are actively working
together to resolve this problem. The latest word is that Mr. Bush
favors "self-homicide" and "self-inflicted-killifying" over
"auto-homicide" - as suggested by Karl Rove - because "Bush insists
the car was never alive," an anonymous White House source told
FOX News.
FOX has also learned that the President is in high spirits, frequently adding a dose of his light-hearted humor to the otherwise heavy
discussions. His principle concern, said the source, is that, "someone really oughtta come up with a word for this type of thing."
The confusion began when, on Tuesday, a Palestinian man armed with a car bomb failed to accomplish his goal of killing several Israeli
soldiers at a check point in the Golan Heights. The would-be homicide bomber's plan was to remain inside the explosive-rigged
automobile and detonate the vehicle just as he drove past the Israeli military men. However, as luck would have it, he had improperly
set up the detonation timer, and as a result only the driver himself was killed.
According to reports the Palestinian man had been planning the bombing for several days, but had not fully learned how to calibrate
the timer. "Thank God for incompetentness," said President Bush, "now, let's just figure out a way to label this evil man and get on
with our lives."
discussions. His principle concern, said the source, is that, "someone really oughtta come up with a word for this type of thing."
The confusion began when, on Tuesday, a Palestinian man armed with a car bomb failed to accomplish his goal of killing several Israeli
soldiers at a check point in the Golan Heights. The would-be homicide bomber's plan was to remain inside the explosive-rigged
automobile and detonate the vehicle just as he drove past the Israeli military men. However, as luck would have it, he had improperly
set up the detonation timer, and as a result only the driver himself was killed.
According to reports the Palestinian man had been planning the bombing for several days, but had not fully learned how to calibrate
the timer. "Thank God for incompetentness," said President Bush, "now, let's just figure out a way to label this evil man and get on
with our lives."
| FLASH!!! FOX Looking for Talent Preferably Someone With an Expert Knee-Jerk Reflex |
| Audiences love nervous, but sissy-like emotional outbursts like those of Michael Weiner-Savage |
| Yoko Ono PUNK'D Wins Bird Call Contest Thinking it's a Concert |
| Good news, my fellow morally righteous friends -- beginning St. Patrick's Day, Robert Blake will be working for FNC. In a nightly, 30 minute format, Blake will report on such important national problems as the increasing rate of spousal abuse, ineffectual gun control laws, and the frightening reality of unequalled access to legal representation by the financially inclined few. Plans are also in place to pair Blake with Mark Fuhrman, for a heart-warming program tentatively titled "News - the Other 'N' Word." |
