| Joe Scarborough Celebrates Three Years Suspicion-Free Klausutis Death Still "Unsolved" |
| The Best of FOX News Political Satire |
ALSO CHECK OUT: Letters from people who thought they were writing to FOX News |
| Rove: Jesus of Nazareth to be next Press Secretary |
| Click to read Robert Novak's youthful treachery |
| Cheney Mystified No One Believes "Accident" Story |
| "Wanna go huntin'?" |
WASHINGTON - British sources have learned that Joe has been busy
celebrating his third anniversary "suspicion-free" after escaping
blame for the murder of Lori Klausutis.
"I bet Gary Condit wishes he was a Republican," snorted
Scarborough.
Ms. Klausutis was a young immigrant whose mysterious death in
Joe's NW Florida office in 2001 escaped media attention despite
Scarborough leaving office and getting a divorce at the same time.
celebrating his third anniversary "suspicion-free" after escaping
blame for the murder of Lori Klausutis.
"I bet Gary Condit wishes he was a Republican," snorted
Scarborough.
Ms. Klausutis was a young immigrant whose mysterious death in
Joe's NW Florida office in 2001 escaped media attention despite
Scarborough leaving office and getting a divorce at the same time.
| "The solution is as conspicuous as the proboscis on your countenance, my dark-complexioned acquaintance. We could underscore Mr. O'Reilly's penchant for vitriolic bouts of pharisaicalness by dispatching to him as many battery-operated phallus facsimiles as we can accumulate before the passing of the 25th day of the month of December..." |
| Coming Soon to FOX: COULTER'S CANNON Get a leg up on your next hunting expedition from Ann's new show. |
Ding Dong! The Witch is daft. Which old Witch? The Clermont Witch! Ding Dong! The Clermont Witch is daft! Wake up - you greedy red. Rub your eyes, don't count the dead. Wake up, the Clermont Witch is daft! She's gone where the Coulters go, Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's close our minds and belt the points out slow. Ding Dong the vitriol, Scream it high! Screech it low! Let them know The Clermont Witch is daft! |
| 32-Year-Old White Guy Beats Up Mike Tyson Meteorologists confirm temperature in Hell rapidly dropping. |
Bush Signs "Clear Conscience Act"
Tobacco lobby first to exploit important new legislation
WASHINGTON – Victims of cancer, emphysema, and other diseases,
who hope to scam corporations for profit by blaming their illnesses
on so-called "toxins," will have a much harder time getting the
financial restitution they seek under a regulation President Bush
signed into law Thursday afternoon.
Tobacco lobby first to exploit important new legislation
WASHINGTON – Victims of cancer, emphysema, and other diseases,
who hope to scam corporations for profit by blaming their illnesses
on so-called "toxins," will have a much harder time getting the
financial restitution they seek under a regulation President Bush
signed into law Thursday afternoon.
| Vice President Undaunted by Number of Reports to Disregard "I'd tell 'em to go fuck themselves, but I'm too busy ignoring them to know who they are." |
The Clear Conscience Act removes a crucial barrier to productivity frequently encountered by
manufacturers of goods some fringe groups call "dangerous" - the guilty conscience. By forcing
corporations to operate more in the dark, the law ensures companies can take positive steps to
be more accountable to their investors, while removing the frivolous costs often associated with
consumer protectionism.
President Bush called the law "good," and stressed its economic importance. "It's economically
important," he said, continuing, "we're looking forward to a stronger economy, where
anti-business prejudice is virtually eradicationalized."
"During the past several months the American people has faced several, numerous challenges to
economical growth," Bush said, "but we can't let the terrorists win."
Bush praised Philip Morris, RJ Reynolds, and others for immediately taking advantage of the new
law. "Historically, corporations who break consumer protection laws have had to face the
consequences, so I've created this initiative to remove most of those laws."
Boasted the proud Texan, "entrepeneurists now got the flexibility they need to continue
growing, increasing, and expanding our financialized fiscalness. In other words, our economy."
manufacturers of goods some fringe groups call "dangerous" - the guilty conscience. By forcing
corporations to operate more in the dark, the law ensures companies can take positive steps to
be more accountable to their investors, while removing the frivolous costs often associated with
consumer protectionism.
President Bush called the law "good," and stressed its economic importance. "It's economically
important," he said, continuing, "we're looking forward to a stronger economy, where
anti-business prejudice is virtually eradicationalized."
"During the past several months the American people has faced several, numerous challenges to
economical growth," Bush said, "but we can't let the terrorists win."
Bush praised Philip Morris, RJ Reynolds, and others for immediately taking advantage of the new
law. "Historically, corporations who break consumer protection laws have had to face the
consequences, so I've created this initiative to remove most of those laws."
Boasted the proud Texan, "entrepeneurists now got the flexibility they need to continue
growing, increasing, and expanding our financialized fiscalness. In other words, our economy."
Republicans Baffled Americans don't want to Privatize Social
Program
Social Se-Scarity Push not Selling
The political party famous for monopolizing compromise, forcefeeding diplomacy, condemning
political correctness, and pounding peace into unsolicited war zones is puzzled the majority of
Americans still don't feel privatizing a social program is a good idea.
"Normally, when we fear something," confided Newt Gingrich, "and we just can't get rid of
through 'normal' means, we propose modifying it with an antithetical descriptor. 'Privatized
social security,' for example," he explained. "When you think about it, that's an oxymoron."
But not to worry, says Gingrich. "Most of our constituency doesn't do a lot of thinking."
Program
Social Se-Scarity Push not Selling
The political party famous for monopolizing compromise, forcefeeding diplomacy, condemning
political correctness, and pounding peace into unsolicited war zones is puzzled the majority of
Americans still don't feel privatizing a social program is a good idea.
"Normally, when we fear something," confided Newt Gingrich, "and we just can't get rid of
through 'normal' means, we propose modifying it with an antithetical descriptor. 'Privatized
social security,' for example," he explained. "When you think about it, that's an oxymoron."
But not to worry, says Gingrich. "Most of our constituency doesn't do a lot of thinking."
WalMart Customer Caught on Tape Opening "Blank Inside" Cards
Insists "I kept forgetting!"
ALEXANDRIA, VA - Ted Carlson, of Woodbridge, was caught on surveillance video opening several
"Blank Inside" greeting cards in a Washington D.C. area WalMart this past Friday. "I kept
forgetting," claimed the man. Security guards spent minutes enjoying the adhoc comedy show
from their monitoring booth in the back of the store.
"Who needs health insurance when you got entertainment like this?" asked Willy Pete, senior
security consultant and earner of $0.25 more than minimum wage. "I tell ya, if there's anything I
love better than being whipped by a dominatrix, it's watching some of the dumbasses we get in
here."
Insists "I kept forgetting!"
ALEXANDRIA, VA - Ted Carlson, of Woodbridge, was caught on surveillance video opening several
"Blank Inside" greeting cards in a Washington D.C. area WalMart this past Friday. "I kept
forgetting," claimed the man. Security guards spent minutes enjoying the adhoc comedy show
from their monitoring booth in the back of the store.
"Who needs health insurance when you got entertainment like this?" asked Willy Pete, senior
security consultant and earner of $0.25 more than minimum wage. "I tell ya, if there's anything I
love better than being whipped by a dominatrix, it's watching some of the dumbasses we get in
here."
Novak Begins Counterpoint Without Ad Hominem Attack
Blames slip-up on failing Dentu-Grip®
Tucker Carlson has no idea how much he's missed these days.
"Ushed ta be," enunciated CNN's top conservative ideologue,
Robert Novak, "he'd shpread tzhe grlue alrl overlr my
gdentchures djusht b'fohre we'd go on gthe air.
I'm tchruly losht widthout him."
Blames slip-up on failing Dentu-Grip®
Tucker Carlson has no idea how much he's missed these days.
"Ushed ta be," enunciated CNN's top conservative ideologue,
Robert Novak, "he'd shpread tzhe grlue alrl overlr my
gdentchures djusht b'fohre we'd go on gthe air.
I'm tchruly losht widthout him."
| Bolton Not Not Recommended Senate Committee Solidly Ambivalent on Reckless Emissary |
John Bolton Suspends Xenophobia Long Enough
to Bask in Margaret Thatcher's Endorsement
Mustachioed monster agrees not to scream at, chase down
hallways, or throw anything at the former British Prime Minister.
to Bask in Margaret Thatcher's Endorsement
Mustachioed monster agrees not to scream at, chase down
hallways, or throw anything at the former British Prime Minister.
| President Bush Looks Forward to Ignoring North Korean Threat Some More |
| By completely reversing Bill Clinton's policies, then ignoring the problem, then rehashing a failed Bush 41 policy, and finally resurrecting the Clinton plan, George W. Bush has assured that, if not contained, at least Kim Jong Il might get a bit confused. |
Frist, Falwell Seek to De-faggify Purple Heart
Unfrivolous legal action would completely disassociate homosexual color from one
of America's most prestigious medals
Dedicated to eliminating all traces of homosexuality from God's greatest
nation, Jerry Falwell and Bill Frist are tackling yet another faggity lavender
icon: the Purple Heart.
"We've proposed two design changes," says Frist, a Republican senator
and Nobel Peace Prize-nominated doctor.
"My favorite is the 'Red - and - Blue Checkerboard Heart,' added Frist,
"but the reverend's is a modified version of the 'Election 2004 Heart'
medal, which only shows 31 states and would look kind of funny, I think."
Unfrivolous legal action would completely disassociate homosexual color from one
of America's most prestigious medals
Dedicated to eliminating all traces of homosexuality from God's greatest
nation, Jerry Falwell and Bill Frist are tackling yet another faggity lavender
icon: the Purple Heart.
"We've proposed two design changes," says Frist, a Republican senator
and Nobel Peace Prize-nominated doctor.
"My favorite is the 'Red - and - Blue Checkerboard Heart,' added Frist,
"but the reverend's is a modified version of the 'Election 2004 Heart'
medal, which only shows 31 states and would look kind of funny, I think."
| Local Woman Out-Patriots the Competition Jingoistic display earns her major award. |
Cornyn Blind Date Suddenly Turns Sour
"Innocent observations" alarm companion; visit abruptly cut short when woman
flees
AUSTIN, TX - Although he'd mapped out the entire evening Senator John Cornyn still
can't figure out what went wrong with his fourth blind date this year. "Happens a lot,"
he sighed.
According to Cornyn, who will not reveal the lady's name, the date got off to an
auspicious start. Picking up his date promptly at 7 p.m. Saturday night, Cornyn sailed
right into his first bit of dilly-dally.
"She looked spectacular," chuckled Cornyn, "so I told her, 'you look spectacular!'" He
continued, "then I told her the dress she was wearing was sexy - so sexy she'd have
to tread carefully at night, if she's alone, see, because someone with her curvaceous
figure -- in such a skimpy outfit -- could easily find herself being gang-raped in a
dumpster."
Despite his smooth overture, Cornyn said his compliments didn't go over as well as he
thought they would. "That's when she started looking at her watch every minute or
so," he groaned. But Cornyn let any perception of rejection roll off his back. "It was as
far as I'd gotten all year, so I kept my head up and kept pushing forward, man."
During dinner, however, his date's ultra- sensitive political correctness finally pre-
vailed. "I jokingly told the manager prices like his could get a man shot, that someone
might blow up his restaurant. She ran out."
"Innocent observations" alarm companion; visit abruptly cut short when woman
flees
AUSTIN, TX - Although he'd mapped out the entire evening Senator John Cornyn still
can't figure out what went wrong with his fourth blind date this year. "Happens a lot,"
he sighed.
According to Cornyn, who will not reveal the lady's name, the date got off to an
auspicious start. Picking up his date promptly at 7 p.m. Saturday night, Cornyn sailed
right into his first bit of dilly-dally.
"She looked spectacular," chuckled Cornyn, "so I told her, 'you look spectacular!'" He
continued, "then I told her the dress she was wearing was sexy - so sexy she'd have
to tread carefully at night, if she's alone, see, because someone with her curvaceous
figure -- in such a skimpy outfit -- could easily find herself being gang-raped in a
dumpster."
Despite his smooth overture, Cornyn said his compliments didn't go over as well as he
thought they would. "That's when she started looking at her watch every minute or
so," he groaned. But Cornyn let any perception of rejection roll off his back. "It was as
far as I'd gotten all year, so I kept my head up and kept pushing forward, man."
During dinner, however, his date's ultra- sensitive political correctness finally pre-
vailed. "I jokingly told the manager prices like his could get a man shot, that someone
might blow up his restaurant. She ran out."
O'Reilly Bravely Confronts Bill Maher from 3,000 miles Away
FOX News superpersonality Bill O'Reilly courageously faced down
one of Hollywood's most outspoken liberals Friday on Bill Maher's
HBO show, Real Time with Bill Maher.
To make his appearance even more fear-inducing, O'Reilly
underscored his fortitude by visiting the show from the other side
of the country. "Takes a lot of balls to face down a live broadcast
of your opponent's face from so far away," gloated the anal fetishist.
Bill wishes he could have been there personally, alongside Whoopi Goldberg, Alec
Baldwin, and Cornel West. "Lucky for them I didn't head out west with my
six-shooter."
FOX News superpersonality Bill O'Reilly courageously faced down
one of Hollywood's most outspoken liberals Friday on Bill Maher's
HBO show, Real Time with Bill Maher.
To make his appearance even more fear-inducing, O'Reilly
underscored his fortitude by visiting the show from the other side
of the country. "Takes a lot of balls to face down a live broadcast
of your opponent's face from so far away," gloated the anal fetishist.
Bill wishes he could have been there personally, alongside Whoopi Goldberg, Alec
Baldwin, and Cornel West. "Lucky for them I didn't head out west with my
six-shooter."
| Mainstream Media: "Terri Schiavo Has Died" |
| Bill Frist - "Not So Fast." "Let's not jump to conclusions." |
Activist Judges Should Stick to Draping
Statues' Breasts, Fraternizing with the
VP, and Facilitating Rigged Elections
by Brit Hume
It's a foregone conclusion anyone who gets to be a judge in this country
has been to college. Therefore, you'd think, the justice department would
know a thing or two about what our country stands for. Well, it seems
like some do. Some.
I'm not too sure about the Democrats in the judicial branch of
government, but I do know Republican judges both embody and endorse
everything this country was founded on. We should all take a closer look
at what that means.
For instance, Republicans believe the government should prudently spend
its citizens' taxes. By our way of thinking, everyone should get a fair
shake. No one -- not even the largest corporations -- should be immune
from a fair-handed tax code. Republicans think the government should
respect an individual's rights to privacy. We hold that even the most
intimate of bedroom details between consenting adults should be kept
just that: intimate. Republicans have a libertarian streak; we don't like
big government handouts, or federally-mandated education standards.
Furthermore, the GOP believes there is nothing more sacred than the
bond between a man and his wife. The nuclear family is the backbone of
a strong, Christian society. Fathers, mothers, and children -- to a
Republican's way of thinking -- should do absolutely everything in their
power to remain intact, never allowing outside forces or ideals to wedge
their divisive way in.
I feel very strongly about these things. Indeed, if it weren't for the
events of 9/11; scientific ignorance; homophobia rooted in an unsure
sense of self-loathing; wildly contagious greed; a millennium-induced
outbreak of religious insanity, and Elián Gonzalez, we Republicans would
be adhering to most of these very principles today!
Statues' Breasts, Fraternizing with the
VP, and Facilitating Rigged Elections
by Brit Hume
It's a foregone conclusion anyone who gets to be a judge in this country
has been to college. Therefore, you'd think, the justice department would
know a thing or two about what our country stands for. Well, it seems
like some do. Some.
I'm not too sure about the Democrats in the judicial branch of
government, but I do know Republican judges both embody and endorse
everything this country was founded on. We should all take a closer look
at what that means.
For instance, Republicans believe the government should prudently spend
its citizens' taxes. By our way of thinking, everyone should get a fair
shake. No one -- not even the largest corporations -- should be immune
from a fair-handed tax code. Republicans think the government should
respect an individual's rights to privacy. We hold that even the most
intimate of bedroom details between consenting adults should be kept
just that: intimate. Republicans have a libertarian streak; we don't like
big government handouts, or federally-mandated education standards.
Furthermore, the GOP believes there is nothing more sacred than the
bond between a man and his wife. The nuclear family is the backbone of
a strong, Christian society. Fathers, mothers, and children -- to a
Republican's way of thinking -- should do absolutely everything in their
power to remain intact, never allowing outside forces or ideals to wedge
their divisive way in.
I feel very strongly about these things. Indeed, if it weren't for the
events of 9/11; scientific ignorance; homophobia rooted in an unsure
sense of self-loathing; wildly contagious greed; a millennium-induced
outbreak of religious insanity, and Elián Gonzalez, we Republicans would
be adhering to most of these very principles today!
| Limbaugh’s Memories of Fraternity Pranks "Somewhat Exaggerated" "Once, a water balloon on his head became ‘I was shot by a gang of negroes’," explains college acquaintance. |
| Bernard Goldberg Finishes Third Book "If I'm so damn guilty of selective thinking, then why do I always remember exactly the same stuff I noticed in the first place?" |
Homicide Bomber Homicides 22 Homicided People
Including 14 Homicided American Soldiers Whose Homicide Was Caused by a Guy
Who Committed Self-Homicide Too
KIRKUK - What was originally thought to have been a non-self-inflicting-type of
homicide attack with a 122mm rocket by non-self-inflicting-terrorist homiciders (who
didn't plan to self-homicide themselves) is now known to have been the other type of
homicide attack: where the terrorist homicider purposely homicides himself in the act
of homiciding others.
Stu Ball, FOX News' own Pentagon insider, confirmed this suspicion. "Yes, indeedy,"
sparkled Ball, "it was a homicide bomber of "efforts," vigorously defended his honor,
his policies, his reputation, and everything else in the kind where the homicide bomber
also kills himself instead of just the old-fashioned homicide bomber, who only kills
other people and allows hisself (sic) to continue living."
In a related story, FOX News has confirmed the homicide bomber who homicided 22
innocent homicide victims was upset that teachers, politicians, and other public figures
can continue saying "Merry Reaganmas" during the holiday season.
"He was a politically correct liberal," one source told FOX of the homicidally homiciding
homicide bomber. "Alls (sic) he wanted to do was change the American language to fit
his emotional hang-ups."
Including 14 Homicided American Soldiers Whose Homicide Was Caused by a Guy
Who Committed Self-Homicide Too
KIRKUK - What was originally thought to have been a non-self-inflicting-type of
homicide attack with a 122mm rocket by non-self-inflicting-terrorist homiciders (who
didn't plan to self-homicide themselves) is now known to have been the other type of
homicide attack: where the terrorist homicider purposely homicides himself in the act
of homiciding others.
Stu Ball, FOX News' own Pentagon insider, confirmed this suspicion. "Yes, indeedy,"
sparkled Ball, "it was a homicide bomber of "efforts," vigorously defended his honor,
his policies, his reputation, and everything else in the kind where the homicide bomber
also kills himself instead of just the old-fashioned homicide bomber, who only kills
other people and allows hisself (sic) to continue living."
In a related story, FOX News has confirmed the homicide bomber who homicided 22
innocent homicide victims was upset that teachers, politicians, and other public figures
can continue saying "Merry Reaganmas" during the holiday season.
"He was a politically correct liberal," one source told FOX of the homicidally homiciding
homicide bomber. "Alls (sic) he wanted to do was change the American language to fit
his emotional hang-ups."
| G.I.s' whining about armor & supplies keep Rumsfeld and the Pentagon from working as fast as they can to send troops more armor & supplies. |
| Desirous, Liberal Media Hand Yet Another Victory to Undeserving QB Donovan McNabb Brian Kilmeade As a young man I can remember watchin' a respected sports journalist ask Doug Williams, "how long have you been a black quarterback?" More |
Neil's Deals
A man hides the body of his dead wife. A baby has her arms cut off. Negro
hooligans exchange fisticuffs during a pro basketball game.
These stories are horrible enough, but did you know they also impact the
Market?! Yes, these horror stories are even more horrible when you think about
their effect on the economy!
Tune in nightly to my show, Neil's Deals, and find out how someone else's
personal tragedy might lighten - or brighten - your portfolio!
A man hides the body of his dead wife. A baby has her arms cut off. Negro
hooligans exchange fisticuffs during a pro basketball game.
These stories are horrible enough, but did you know they also impact the
Market?! Yes, these horror stories are even more horrible when you think about
their effect on the economy!
Tune in nightly to my show, Neil's Deals, and find out how someone else's
personal tragedy might lighten - or brighten - your portfolio!
Neil Cavuto
| Shaky, Old Bearded Lunatic Releases New Video And so does Bin Laden |
O'Reilly Pays $7M for Tapes of Harrassment That Never Occurred
NEW YORK - Promising to never again phone unwilling sex partners with a
vibrator up his ass, Bill O'Reilly is one step closer to paying off Ms. Mackris
for tapes she made of events that never happened.
"It's all just spin, mkay?" suggested O'Reilly, whose out-of-court settlement
with Mackris in no way confirms he's settled out of court with Mackris.
NEW YORK - Promising to never again phone unwilling sex partners with a
vibrator up his ass, Bill O'Reilly is one step closer to paying off Ms. Mackris
for tapes she made of events that never happened.
"It's all just spin, mkay?" suggested O'Reilly, whose out-of-court settlement
with Mackris in no way confirms he's settled out of court with Mackris.
Bush Campaign Literally Cries 'Wolf'
Touting Fear Itself, the GOP Assures Nation's Stupid Voters Will Vote for Bush
WASHINGTON - By creating an ad ironically reminiscent of Aesop's most germane fable, the
Bush team is ensuring America remains fearfully optimistic about its future.
"The only thing we have to espouse it fear itself," boasted
Karl Rove, chief strategist of the Bush/Cheney 2004
campaign.
"Since Americans are essentially selfish and foolish,"
continued the closet transvestite, "we've decided the
best way to appeal to them is to remind them of
September 11th, while glossing over the fact it was
us who actually dropped the ball that summer."
Touting Fear Itself, the GOP Assures Nation's Stupid Voters Will Vote for Bush
WASHINGTON - By creating an ad ironically reminiscent of Aesop's most germane fable, the
Bush team is ensuring America remains fearfully optimistic about its future.
"The only thing we have to espouse it fear itself," boasted
Karl Rove, chief strategist of the Bush/Cheney 2004
campaign.
"Since Americans are essentially selfish and foolish,"
continued the closet transvestite, "we've decided the
best way to appeal to them is to remind them of
September 11th, while glossing over the fact it was
us who actually dropped the ball that summer."
| "How DARE you call our lesbian daughter gay?" Lynne & Dick Cheney's hysteria proves gay daughter Mary not a family embarrassment |
All images, music, ideas, and nonsense herein © P. Thompson Original Faux News Logo © 2001 (read it and weep) 'Spinner' Logo © 2003; 'Swastika' Logo © 2005 This hilarious, political satire-rich web site -- chock full of full political parody -- is in no way associated with the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume, Tony Snow, Oliver North, Geraldo Rivera, John Gibson, FOX & Friends, Greta von Susteren, or any other part of the idiotic Fox News Channel. All material herein is intended as parody. Similarities in format or "personnel" are satirical. If you're looking for a good, old-fashioned beat-down, sue away, you conservative wing nut. I could use the material. Contact me |
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| UH OH Mt Cheney Ready to Blow |